Lief Katano VS. The World

"So, like I said, he started out by stealin' from some black mages."
"That doesn't seem too virtuous, dad."
"He's a thief. I don't know what you expected."

The GBA port of Final Fantasy I introduces many quality of life changes, including starting with more cash and clothes on your back. It's a nice change, I like it. Black mages are our back-up NPCs because they're the easiest to get killed. Even white mages are harder, by virtue of having more HP.


The black mages, as disposable death fodder, are stripped of all of their equipment. This lets me get a paltry amount of gil in return. In hindsight, that might not have been the best idea, but I definitely wanted as much spare cash as I could. Why?


Potions! 50 HP isn't a ton, but it's enough to carry Lief's ass for a while. I'm not sure how effective Sleeping Bags are on a cost:HP ratio, but potions can be used anywhere so they're superior by that token alone. The only boss that can be remotely thought of as "being able to take a nap before him" is Garland, and that's because the Chaos Shrine is a tiny-ass dungeon.


Speaking of, since we still entered the town we gotta be the king's lapdogs. I'm not sure how feasible it is to beat Garland without entering the town. I'll wager not very, unless you're a...monk, maybe, and even then you'll have to pilfer the Chaos Shrine for consumables to rest up.


: sup dawg I heard you were the warriors of legend
: yeah that's right what'cha need fam
: my daughter's been kidnapped by this jerk and I gotta get ya to save her
: I can dig it, where's my mark
: he's at some lame-ass shrine to the northwest. I'll fix a bridge and give you a plot critical item for it
: had me at bridge, bro

(I am presuming that, at least up to this point, you are not watching this LP for the plot.)


And here's why I'm mildly regretting not keeping the mage's armaments for a bit! Final Fantasy I does not have a defend command, for whatever reason. The closest you'll get is using an effectless item. Hands are not items. We aren't going Kira yet, that's gross. So rather than wait for the mages to die, we're going to have them pummel the goblins.

I mean. It'll still take a while, but this way they might actually get some EXP.


Eventually - after reconfiguring memory settings and all that (and getting into another battle - note the background) - Lief gets those damn black mages off of his back, and then also slaughters some goblins.

We will engage in a looooot of goblin slaughtering. Just you wait.


And just like that, Lief gets his first level! In addition to making a potion already be incapable of full-healing (not that I mind, mind - the more HP the better!), he gets Strength and Luck. I'll take it, at least.


I thought that FFI growths were random, but apparently that's not entirely true. Certain stats are always guaranteed at a certain level. For those that aren't, it's a 50% chance.

...At least in the NES version. They definitely changed something; if we were still using NES rates, Lief should've gotten Strength, Agility, and Luck at that level-up.


C'est la vie, I suppose. Who am I to tell Square Enix how to remake their games?


Makes looking up info for it a lot harder, though. Bleh. Did they change FFII this much, besides some QoL for grinding?


I like the fact that resting at inns won't revive dead guys in this game. Very nice. Very good for solo runs.

Incidentally, apparently the excuse for needing to nap to level up in FFXV is to show mercy on low-level runners. This is despite the fact that Chapter Clears count as resting, anyways. And that not sleeping makes life harder, even without levels...


Seriously, just blame it on the game's weird HP system. That's all you needed to do.

I'd kind of want to spelunk this cave (which is new to the GBA version) but I can't until I beat a certain boss. Boo. ...Then again, the thing I really want is way out of my league to get, even when I'd actually need it. The rest would just be nice shit to have.

I really, really hate the boss I have to get prepared for.


Not Garry, here, though. He'll be a pushover, probably.


Before that, though, I have to yoink this hat. As far as I know, gaining Stamina on level-ups only affects future level-ups (for HP gained), so every bit of gear helps. Though it could also affect defense and I'm just not that good at checking things out.

I'm taking the cap either way, though. Defense is defense.


The nice thing about thieves is that you can nope out of painful encounters like this. Sure, less EXP, but EXP means nothing if you're dead.

In hindsight I might have been a bit over-zealous, but fuck zombies.


You might say, "Lief, if you can't beat zombies, how do you expect to beat Garland?" but there is only one Garland, not four. Garland is a chump compared to four zombies.


I'd post these as examples of our damage outputs, but... Damage fluctuates quite a bit. It's a bit hard to pin down fo' sho'.

That said, presuming timely potion usage, Garland isn't a threat at all. Guy only has 212 HP, and Lief tops out at 24ish. (Don't trust the left image, it's a liar!)

Turn order is, incidentally, a bit of a crapshoot. Sometimes Lief goes first, sometimes Garland goes first. Why? Who knows. Certainly isn't Agility - Garland only has 6, and Lief has more, even accounting for equipment weight.


Either way, dude's dead. Not a very exciting fight, considering all they do is hit each other, and sometimes Lief uses a potion. Gripping.


Either way, objective one cleared! Also get out of the shot, black mages. You're dead.


For it, we get... a lute. Cool, I guess. It's a very plot important coupon and I'm not sure why. Garland even took it. Maybe he's a fan of sweet jams, I don't know.

Either way, this'll be it for today. Thanks for reading!

*his

Anyways, last time Lief engaged in fisticuffs, if by fisticuffs you meant sword-to-rapier combat with a rogue knight. Not to be confused with a knightly rogue.


Actually, I think Stamina does influence Defense. A bit. Not a lot, but...

Either way, Lief's stats, post-killing-Goblin Guards. Garland did not actually give him a level. I want you to take special note of how much defense he has.


Because once he's off those wild, wild plains of Cornelia, that low defense is going to get him in trouble. Like all solo games, Lief will take the brunt of all attacks. And that is precisely where the limitations of him being a thief come in. Warriors and monks could take out the Crazy Horses (what I just fought) with ease, and warriors could absorb the blows besides. White mages have a surprisingly high pool of health (and can heal without items, besides), while black and red mages can burn down enemies. Thieves are at the bottom of the pile.

And to think...he could have encountered Crazy Horses on the way to Garland. Ouch.


A mild conundrum. North or east?


A surprise scrap with goblins. Lief's strength has grown to the point where he can take out the entire horde with the loss of only 3 HP - keep in mind that there's five of them and he can only take down one each turn. Not a lot of EXP, but this far from civilization I'll take as much free EXP and easy encounters as I can get.


This was an ambush encounter. A flash of panic occurred... and then this wolf did only 4 damage. He and the guy who did 16 points where the only guys to get potshots in. Dancing classes pay off!


And then I end up fleeing anyways. Dancing classes don't pay off that much - warg wolves are more accurate and damaging, and there's three of them.

Some games - like Shin Megami Tensei IV, I believe - still gave you EXP for the enemies you defeated. That would be nice... Lief's only about 12 EXP from a level up right now.


And then we save the game. Always save the game, especially in a solo thief challenge.


Oooh, not good not good not good. Poison will sap a bit of Lief's HP each turn (~5, at least now) and on the overworld. He has zero antidotes right now, so that's not good!

It also apparently saps his growth rates; Lief got 2 HP and 1 Agility from that level. Ergh. Thankfully, one point of agility gives 2 evade, or roundabouts, so future encounters with cobras miiiiiight not be as deadly? It takes roughly three attacks for Lief to kill one (even worse if he misses one of the hits in that attack), so that's at least two times the cobra can try to poison him.


Thankfully, we're right in front of a place that can cure our ills! Sort of.


If this story cutscene doesn't kill Lief first.


Fun fact: Matoya is a playable character in Final Fantasy: Record Keeper. She's... a pretty standard red mage (minus the swords), with access to all black and white magic abilities. Pretty good magic, tying with a couple others for 13thish place at level 99, though as of right now in Global everyone else above her has something neater to bring to the table by default (and default matters the most with Matoya, seeing as how FFI doesn't get that many Relic Draw banners). At least Witch abilities will be coming soon, those are neat, and she's one of the few people with 5* Witch... unfortunately, a lot of the users are her competition. Two of them also have Darkness, which is a great mage skillset, though the two ability limit and the obvious inner-Witch synergy kinda puts a kibosh on that.


Anyways, enough about games that aren't this one! This is why I went to Matoya's cave in the first place: two potions and an antidote.

...

In hindsight, this might not have been my smartest move...


Karma is, incidentally, paying me back for extolling the virtues of goblin-slaying earlier. Got into two back-to-back fights with 'em, and this one was an ambush.


There is nothing remotely interesting about the lizard. I thought there was.

I mean, I guess it hits hard, but so does everything when you're a thief coming in from Cornelia.

The only notable thing was a level. 25 HP, Strength, Intelligence, Stamina, Luck. I can work with this. (...Even if Luck doesn't affect anything besides running away, and I'm pretty sure I can always run away...)


And so ends the tale of Lief Katano...

...oh, wait, we can resume the game. And I saved as soon as I got that level, so nothing of value was lost!

Seriously, though, fuck Gigas Worms.


That was otherwise the only bump on the road to Pravoka. Now we're there!


At least the grinding to completely kit him out will go a bit quicker, I guess? Can't equip any of this other stuff, anyways. It's a +1 Attack and +5 Accuracy increase - keep in mind that both help to increase the damage you deal.


This is the only armor upgrade, though. Ugh.


Now. We could beat up the pirates right now...


Or we could grind out one last level, for safety's sake.


I did. ...I completely skipped over it, but I don't think it was a very good level.


Anyway, now let's beat up pirates!


They are maybe twice as threatening as goblins. In the NES version they had as much HP as a goblin.


Unlike Garland's duel, the pirate fight is as much RNG as anything, due to damage variance. The high evasion of a thief helps him out here, of course, but that's more RNG.

There's also hoping that you targeted a pirate that hasn't taken their turn yet because, again, RNG. If we followed a simple agility order, that would be easy (and also way more one-sided), but noooo, that would make too much sense...


And now Lief has slain the pirates. Whew... That took a lot of potions, I'll tell ya what. Only restoring 50 HP is starting to catch up, though the numbers of the pirates didn't exactly help. Not helping? That was the only potion in the original version. Which worked well enough when you were playing with a competently crafted party, but that isn't the case here!

I just hope that there won't be a fight that tests my abilities like that before I gain access to higher-quality potions.

Last time, if you recall, we liberated a ship from the nefarious pirate Bikke. Yes, liberated. We're going with that.


Impressively for a NES game loaded with glitches, Final Fantasy I contained a version of 15 Puzzle, accessible on its ship after mashing A and B a ton of times, in case you wanted to torture yourself or something. Originally it only gave 100 gil, but the PlayStation version rewarded you with significantly more gil if you beat one of the times (by default 0:30, 1:00, or 2:00) and a set of consumables if you beat other, set time limits. The GBA one-upped this by giving you better consumables based on your time, thanks to the large amount of items introduced because hey, why the hell not.


...Two prizes, as it turns out. Just finishing nets you the status-curing items or a Potion or Ether. Third place gives you spellcasting items, notably elemental attack Fangs and Curtains (seen here is the Blue Fang, which casts Thundara). I was hoping for a Red Fang (the Absolute Worst Boss is weak to fire and uses a lot of elemental attacks) but, uh, that didn't work. 

I was really hoping for the top prizes, a Megalixir or X-Potion, but I am nowhere near good enough at 15 Puzzle to do that, clearly! And even if I was, it looks like the lesser prizes might sneak in anyways... Unless it's one prize per tier?


This is mildly better but at the same time also worse. I'd really, really want a Lunar Curtain because that casts NulAll and the only downside is a non-problem because that downside is being single target and uh well but that's not a possible prize.

The Gold Needle is completely worthless because if Lief gets petrified it's game over. Potion cash, at least?

Eventually I gave up on 15 Puzzle and set out to the sea.


I, uh. I clearly forgot my condition. Whoops.

Anyway I sailed back to Pravoka, slept, got loaded up on Potions. 18 of them.


Eventually landed here. Maybe the dwarves could help me get equipped?


A felled pair of cobras got me...this...along with Strength and Luck.


The answer is no, alas. This isn't a huge terrible problem, but it's a pain enough.


I got to level 11, like, three times, and the only thing that changed was if it was a strong level up. I think level ups are pretty much fixed.

(also Agility and Stamina were gained)


After about a million game overs, we're finally here! Let's see if we can pick up any new gear to make that just five thousand game overs.


awww yeah


~18 damage with ~3 hits versus 15 damage with ~4 hits. Close, but I'll stick with the Scimitar for now. The Sabre's going to be useful way sooner than later, though.


This is literally the only armor upgrade available. arrrrrgh

Evasion's good, and I'd want more than less, but if dancing lessons don't pay off I want to be able to live.


Potions for the potion god, EXP for the level throne!


This is the fuckface that we have to go through a step less than hell to go for.


"So the thief had to go through a cave to get a crown, give the crown to some random weirdo in a castle, take back the crown and the crystal eye from that weirdo who's secretly a dick, give the crystal eye to a witch for a potion, give the potion to the elf king for a key, use the key to get TNT, and then give TNT to the dwarves, just to get to the goddamn Earth Crystal."

"That's exceptionally dumb, dad."

"And that's how you know I'm not making this up."


I hope whoever designed the weird levels of variance this game has (both for turn order and damage output) finds a rock underneath their pillow tonight.

You'll definitely want to face large, slower enemies, since they'll come in smaller groups and hit you less, sometimes outright missing. Of course, there's no guarantee you'll come out unscratched anyways.


The rewards are also handsome. Wolves need to pickpocket giants more often.


Different battle, but awww yeah. Also got Strength, Intellect, and Luck.


Final stats before heading off to the Marsh Cave, or at least trying to.

Something mildly annoying to note about Strength is that only every other point in it does something (i.e. raises your attack by one). So it's not enough to get lucky enough to roll strength once; you have to roll it twice.


And the item bag. I'm still annoyed by the lack of better HP healing items by now.


...Oh, great, a death I had almost no control over.

Ghasts have Paralysis attached to their attacks, which means that it's possible that, when they hit, I am basically stunlocked. Thanks!


Here's Lief's status by the time we're actually at the Marsh Caves.


Hooo boy.


The Plan is to zip down to the staircase (laddercase?) on each floor. Fuck the treasure. It's either cash or shit I can't use or shit that's outclassed. The only thing that falls under neither of those categories is locked behind a door.


This is to prevent situations like this from happening. There were two gargoyles at the start, at least...?


I hate the undead. The Crawler might've stunlocked me initially, but I still hate the undead.


A battle with three scorpions was mildly profitable, at least. Only got Agility on the statup, but that's more evasion.


The pair of doors here signifies that you're at the end of the second. Or near enough, anyways.


Second column from the left, third down. You can tell it's important because of the statues. Getting here was mostly a problem because of the goddamn stunlocks () but there was also a time where four scorpions murdered me.

God, promotion will be so sweet.


You can get two to four Piscodemons in this boss fight. I got four. ...Cool. Let's see here...


This is probably-technically the best use for the Blue Fang. I could teeeeechnically save it for The Absolute Worst Boss, but if I'm relying on a item that casts a second-tier spell I'd rather roll for the Red Fang to actually hit weaknesses.


It did ~50 damage. Piscodemons have 81 HP.

As it turns out, magic attack items aren't very good if you have really bad magic attack. Who knew?


Yeah, this was bad.


This seems...more manageable, at least.


Relatively, of course. Lief is still mincemeat.


Seriously, look at that! 94 damage! It fluctuates a lot (fucking variance...) but the piscodemons favor high numbers. And they have two hits, so it's hard to mitigate that damage with Lief's asset (evasion).


Strokes of luck (having one of the piscodemons completely miss, then being able to kill it before it acted the next turn) let me get here. I'll just need one more stroke (i.e. having the piscodemon left deal less than 91 damage) and victory should be in the bag, since I used the blue fang earlier.

Man, I gave it shit when I got it, but the thing ended up being a helpful bugger, eh?


37 damage. What the hell, variance.


Aw yeah, mission complete! Let's get the hell outta here.


It's close, but I make it back to Elfheim. And save. Repeatedly.


"We never even heard of this guy before! Why is it so concerning that he tricked us?"
"I don't know!"


Alright, Astos. Astos Astos Astos.

Fuck Astos.


I was unusually lucky in that I simply had to contend with physical attacks, until I suddenly didn't and he cast Death.

Speaking of, it's mechanics time! Each enemy has a certain chance out of 128 to cast a spell or enemy skill (checked in that order). Astos has an effective 75% chance to cast a spell, and has no enemy skills. Enemies cast their spells in a certain order, and will never deviate from that order. Astos's spell order is Death-Slowra-Haste-Fira-Thundara-Slow-Blind-Sleep.

So, uh, yeah. Death has a roughly 62% chance of hitting. I can mitigate that with levels, at least, as magic defense lowers the chance of statuses working, but uuuuuuugh.

Astos Death Count: 2


I, uh, managed to not catch it, but at the times that Astos rolls to attack, he does ~22 damage. Sometimes more, of course, but it's easily the least threatening part of his repertoire.


Bleh. Astos has 420 HP, so it'd take 13 rounds if Lief pumps out this damage consistently.


This...wouldn't help. Slowra (cast after Death, so Lief dodged that) lowers the target's hit multiplier by 1; it undoes Haste if it's been cast and lowers the total hits to one if it hasn't. The difference is that Slowra targets one enemy and is non-elemental, so it'll (at least in theory) stick more.

Lief dodges it anyways, which means it's free damage turn. Woo!


Haste doubles the amount of hits the user does, or undoes Slow/Slowra's effect. This makes Astos more threatening on those 25% chances to attack, but it doesn't help his spellcasting any.


He wouldn't need it, anyways, but it won't help it.

Astos Death Count: 5

At this point I go to get a level. It won't mitigate the smackdown that much but anything helps.


...Maybe I should've been more specific. (Strength/Intellect/Luck.)


Man, remember when instant death spells were inaccurate? That was nice.

Or at least had more RNG than "cast a spell 75 y/25 n" behind their casting.

Astos Death Count: 7


~61% is more accurate than...hell, I think even second-tier instant death spells in Shin Megami Tensei IV. Not third-tier, but those are closer to endgame anyways. And it would be even more accurate on characters who are at the level that's supposed to be here!

(This was a missed Death, by the way.)


This isn't quite relevant right now but I can never tell when it's going to come up anyways. Critical hits are supposed to be determined by, more or less, the weapon type, but somebody fucked up the coding on the NES version and for whatever reason they never quite looked back.


Instead of the weapon's critical rate (which was separately coded because there were exceptions), the weapon instead has its critical rate based off of its index number. This is awful early game but it only works out to your favor later. For example, the Sabre Lief's using? Should have a critical of 10. Instead, it has a critical of 12. This isn't quite 12% (closer to 6%, IIRC) but it's still nice. And it only grows throughout the game - Lief's next sword has a critical of 22.

Which is the damage he's doing right now. ffs lief this is not how you win


And Lief was downed by a Fira/Thundara combo. Womp waaa.

Anyways, critical damage is (roughly/in the NES version) Attack~2Attack + (Attack~2Attack - Defense), with the same value used for both Attack~2Attack instances. Each hit has its critical chance factored separately; think multi-strike attacks in Pokémon, except coded relatively competently in Generation I.

Astos Death Count: 11


Can you believe Warriors gain more magic defense than thieves do? Ridiculous.


Monks start with lower magic defense, but they gain 4 per level rather than 2.


Both Astos and The Absolute Worst Boss use Slowra. It's annoying.

Astos Death Count: 15

I have died to Astos once for each mainline Final Fantasy game. Amazing.


In case you're wondering, I cut out all the runs where Lief died because of the first Death spell. Sometimes he got decently far before Death was cast, but that's not really fun to talk about.


It's telling, I feel, how all of the pain-in-the-neck bosses are before you get access to attack buffs.

And, uh, ninja equipment. Yes. Being able to actually equip things would make this easier, though I guess that's the solo thief challenge for you.


I leveled up enough (19!) that Lief got an extra hit. This, uh, isn't a good showing for it, but.

Astos Death Count: 17


Whenever I show one of these off, always assume it's Death missing.

I hate that goddamn spell.


I also hate Slowra. If you aren't hasted, you lose all of your hits sans one. As if thieves didn't have a hard enough time dealing damage!

Astos Death Count: 21


Aww yeah. Lucky criticals meant that Astos is around 138 HP! This bodes well. Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself.


I didn't! You can't see it here, but Lief was Slowra'd. Too late, Astos. You're fucking dead.


You hear me?! FUCKING DEAD. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

okay that's a bit too much but finally


Anyways, that's, er, it. Next time we finish this convoluted fetch quest and prepare for The Absolute Worst Boss.

Also, did you know? Astos appeared in Captain N: The Game Master.


Rather than be a king, he was a friar-looking guy. Western Keep was named Castle Astos, though, so he was probably still king? And also there was a crystal in his castle. Which revealed his true form. Yep. His true form was pretty accurate, especially considering his NES sprite was this:



Colors weren't Captain N's thing. :V


Matoya also appeared, sort of. I don't know why there's a face on her bat... er, wand.

I hate all of you.


Probably the worst part about this is that you have to face a ton of filler enemies. Even solo, these guys pose absolutely no threat. But they're there...just for a mote of EXP. Even ogres cease to be a problem by this point.


So, in the greatest act of petty revenge ever, let's still their shit. 800 gil, 700 gil, and Bronze Gloves were also procured, left to right. Here's how much of that was useful:


The real loot is in Cornelia Castle. And by real loot I mean plot advancement tokens.


Missing is a picture of another Sabre. Hey, a piece of equipment I can actually maybe probably use!


...Not that I'd, er, want to. That's not enough for an extra hit, which is the only thing that would make it usable over the Sabre. Even then, enemies are starting to get tougher, so we'd definitely want attack.


We could have gotten this and skipped sooooooo much, but noooooo, we had to get the lute for one thing. At the end game.

Ridiculous.

The other chests were a Tent and Iron Armor. Tent could maybe be useful, Iron Armor pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff


Apparently you can dock ships like this. Huh.


I love robbing dwarves.


I legitimately don't think a Solo Thief Challenge would be completable if thieves couldn't use the wyrmkiller. A heart-pounding 19 attack, a delicious 15 Accuracy (the same as that mythril dagger, but attached to a non-shit weapon), a glitched 22 critical...! ...It's also pretty much the thief's second-best weapon that it can feasibly get before promotion (unless you're delaying promoting... in which case, what the fuck is wrong with you?), and the best weapon only beats it in critical rate so.


I still think this is nonsensical.


Melmond! I do not have fond memories. At all.


I can't remember how many times I used potions on my original run (which was probably saved by the fact that you can skip encounters in the iOS version, natch) but lacking an item shop doesn't do it any favors.


It does at least have the first defense upgrade for Lief since the literal start of the game, at least, so that's nice.


Oh, double-digit defense, how I've missed you so...

I definitely didn't do it this early on my first run, but there's definitely A Nice Thing that I'll want to pick up from somewhere nearby.


Trials were faced. Trolls are dicks. All of these assholes are dicks.

The chance to hit is (168 + Hit% - Evade)/200. Trolls have 46 Hit, Minotaurs have 41. Lief's 81 evade overpowers that, at least, but we're still looking at a 66.5/64% chance of any one individual hit connecting. Reminder that Lief is at the lowest possible weight for equipment - only Agility gains on level ups will increase it further (2 Evade/point).


Should Lief luck out on enemy formations, however, he can profit quite well.


"If" is the operative word, of course.


...Profit is also in the eye of the beholder. Given the upcoming boss, though, level means more magic defense and I will take magic defense.

I have absolutely no idea how intellect works but I'll still take magic defense.


Have you ever been so happy you forgot to save?


...Huh, didn't know Crescent Lake sold Hi-Potions. Potions are now completely irrelevant.

Well, I have to make the largeass trek here, which is no mean feat especially since we can't get the canoe, but I'll still take ~50% of Lief's HP over whatever percent 50 is (not high!).

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to come here for.


This is! At 1000 gil per defense point, the Buckler is easily one of the most underwhelming pieces of equipment. But every defense point matters, especially since Lief can't use any other shields.

Now, at least. Uwehehe.

Everything else is mythril shit, which Lief can't equip despite it being as light as a feather. Tolkien is rolling in his grave, maybe.


You might think this is a comical overreaction. Whenever I fought The Absolute Worst Boss the first time, I had to rely on beating up tiger cats for a 4% chance to get an X-Potion (full heal) so I could endure his onslaught of magic. I might have been able to beat them without getting another (getting HP and magic defense goes a long way - thanks, levels!) but the point is: that boss is a piece of shit.

Also I don't want to make the trek back here to get more Hi-Potions. Fuck trolls.


I don't remember which one specifically does, but one of these assholes is withholding a canoe with which I could, y'know, get the cool stuff done. And thus make The Absolute Worst Boss a joke.

I hate these assholes.


One of the neat things about Final Fantasy IV is that, even though it did have limited inventory space, it let you keep multiple stacks of items. You could have, say, two units of 99 Hi-Potions in it.

Yes, I'd be prepared to grind that much.


Our current target is down there. We're not going to be beating it this update. But we'll give it the old Cornelian try.


Getting there isn't a problem, except for when this happens. I, uh, managed to fuck up the shot, but Lief managed to shore up his defense enough that these jerkwads are only doing three damage per attack. And Paralyzetouch can activate and reapply even when you're already paralyzed!

Man, at least Astos made my death quick.

I, um, apparently forgot to grab the screenshot but the only other enemies of real note are ogres. And the only thing really notable about them is how quickly the Wyrmkiller can carve their ass in.


Anyways, we're finally here. What horrors of horrors await us here?

The game plan is, as with the Marsh Cave, to jet down to B3 as quickly as possible. There is precisely one treasure that's of use to us in this entire cave, so we'll break off to nab that.


something something anaconda bun hun


If you're not going for treasure or grinding, B1 is easy enough - just head straight east. I mean, circle around the stairs first, otherwise you'll end up back on the world map, but.


B2 is a mote more complicated, in that it's a maze. Also it has The Only Treasure Worth Anything To A Thief.


And this is it! Due east of the start. The other chests contain a Tent and 330 gil - handy, but not too handy.


Literally the only reason why the Coral Sword is an upgrade over the wyrmkiller is because of the critical hit bug. Otherwise, why not stick with the way more metal wyrmkiller? ...Er, unless you're facing an aquatic monster. Spoilers: we aren't going to be facing any aquatic monsters here.


Incidentally, did you know that the "were" classification of enemies contains an entire two enemy types? True story.

Anyways, the staircase to B3 is basically a straight shot down.


And getting here is a spiral from the staircase. I remember last LP I made repeated jokes about Squaresoft's love of long, winding passages. It's still true.


whatever, edward


The vampire! He has a singular trait which might make him mildly threatening but otherwise he's a complete chump. He's a normal enemy from later on, the start of a proud tradition which would become more prominent in II.


This isn't the singular trait but it is mildly annoying. Mildly.


This is the singular trait. 25% chance to use, only enemy skill. Causes paralysis, which is annoying (especially since he can hit pretty hard). Unfortunately for him, it missed.

Also it's not Paralyzetouch so it can actually wear off.


This is it. This is what we kicked his ass for.

I exited the cave (losing to several encounters of ghasts in the meantime). Normally, this would be where I left off, but I did some research. Remember that talk of the coral sword? Its aquatic-slaying property is, well, useless. We can already kick the ass of every aquatic monster with ease. But there's a sword that's far more effective...way back in the Chaos Shrine...


No not you you're even more worthless


Bingo.


I have no idea why the Rune Blade has one less attack than the Coral Sword and Wyrmkiller. You couldn't actually get it any earlier.

That said, while it's mildly lackluster attack-wise, it has two boons. The first is hidden - it has even more critical than the Coral Sword. The second is plain as day - it's effective against magical and mage-type enemies. Yes, those are two separate tags. I don't know why. That's an extra 4 damage and 40 hit, remember. And guess which boss is magical/mage type?

That's right. The Absolute Worst Boss. It's not going to make him a cakewalk, but it'll help. And I'll take any help I can get.

Next time: The Absolute Worst Boss, Or: Lief Katano (Probably) Gets His Shit Wrecked.

This is it.

This is the moment I've been dreading.


We had to beat up the vampire in order to get a Star Ruby for this jerkwad. I...don't see why he's here. It's easily the dumbest "fetch quest to get to the crystal" section (not counting the hulabaloo to get here in the first place).


Whatever, Titan. See you when you become a summon, and thus infinitely more useful.

Did you know Titan's a rank 5 summon in Record Keeper? Despite the fact that he's maybe a little more powerful than Ifrit/Shiva/Ramuh in most, if not all, games. Huh.


Also I want to point out that Titan literally melded with the wall. Or something. We aren't seeing him again. I guess Sadda summoned him to be a guardian...? What a jerk.


Did the Lich seal the entrance to deeper in the cave? If so, that makes him the smartest fiend. Not by that much, but actively deterring people from beating you up is better than just sitting on your ass.

He's also going to be the worst to kill. Ugh.


Enemies have the strangest-ass placement in this game, I swear. There were gargoyles in the Chaos Shrine. Gargoyles! Those jerks stuck around for three boss fights!


Around here is where we'd've been stuck if I didn't know the game like it was tattooed on the back of my hand. Lich sealed the last two floors of the Cavern of Earth up, and he'd still be pretty cozy if his vampire subordinate didn't have a treat that a giant guarding some anti-social asshole wizard's cave desired, with that anti-social asshole wizard being able to undo his seal.

Random chance has done the Lich in. This is true of both the plot in general and, most likely, my fight with him.


B4 has you move west, then pretty much north to get to your goal.


Along the way are these assholes. You have a 9% chance to encounter cockatrices, and if you do...it's not pretty. They have Stonetouch, and while I don't know how often that will connect...


...it will connect eventually, especially with six of the jerks. They only have 10 Hit, thankfully, but that still makes battling them a dangerous proposition, especially since Lief doesn't have any AoE moves.


Eventually, after running from wave after wave of status-inflicting enemies (undeads are here, too, with Paralyzetouch! Oh, joy!), we get to the staircase.


B5 is a mercifully relatively short floor, and there's no cockatrices. Still undead, but baby steps.


Hoooo boy.


I grabbed the rune blade specifically for this fight, so I'd be remiss to forget equipping it.



Short, sweet, to the point. I like you, Lich. Shame I have to kill you.



Welcome to the boss zone, boys. Lich here is the first of the Four Fiends, and honestly my favorite, ignoring dumbass jerkishness for Solo Thief Challenges. He is The Absolute Worst Boss, and he has a kickass design. I think it's kickass, anyways.


...This is not a good start. Ritchie here has 1200 HP. In the original NES version, he had 400. PSX had 800, since I'm guessing they figured out how awesome attack buffs were and, in the version they worked properly, it was good to up boss HP to match. The GBA bump to 1200 is probably because there's waaaaaay less of a limit to casting those spells.

That doesn't help us here, though.


Much like Astos, the Lich is a master of magic. He doesn't have that magical/mage tag on for nothing.


Also much like Astos, it hurts like hell. And he has a 75% chance of casting a spell.

His spell order is Blizzara, Sleepra, Haste, Thundara, Hold, Fira, Slow, Sleep. Haste won't help him too much, at least - he only has one attack by default.

But did I forget to mention? That attack has Paralyzetouch on it! Hold also adds paralyze. He has four attacks in his arsenal specifically to disable the enemies.


Paralyzetouch made sure to activate, incidentally.


Yeah, uh. Ouch.

Lich Defeat: 1


I, uh, didn't catch it, but outside of Paratouch Lich's attack isn't too terribly threatening, even with Haste. Being able to dodge it probably helps, though it clearly didn't here. Your desire here is that Ritchie tries to swipe at you more often than he spells at you, and that Paratouch doesn't proc.


NulSpells help a lot with the Lich. If 15 Puzzle wasn't such a pain in the ass I might get more.


I think Paratouch is bugged. Paralysis set from it seems to last a lot longer than Paralysis from Hold. Or maybe I'm just hella unlucky...

Lich deaths: 2


New plan: White Curtain turn one. NulFrost, as far as I can tell, never wears off. You might ask why I waited to cast it the first and second bout rather than use it straightaway, especially since Lich's first spell is always Blizzara.

I'unno.


Oh fuck you too buddy.


Eleven more hits like that and we're golden.


This run is going smoothly... Too smoothly. There were two main hiccups - a ~30 damage attack and Paratouch activating. But the ~30 damage hit got (more or less) compensated by a ~130 damage hit  and paralysis ran out after two turns.

...And then Lief did 27ish damage. Great.


Great.


Great. Let this be a lesson, kids: never speak up about your luck, or a skeletonman trying to steal the very essence of the element embodying the earth will team up with the deity presiding over the outcome of all random events and fuck your day up.

Lich Defeats: 4


This is... a bad image for this. But. Unlike Slow and Slowra, Sleepra has an increased chance to hit over Sleep, in addition to being non-elemental. It has 40 hit over Sleep, which is the same amount that being weak to a status attack will increase your chances of being affected by, so it's pretty effective.

Also I forgot I was keeping track of how many times I died to the Lich. Whoops.


Alright, level 30. Let's see how far that brings us in the Lich fight.


oh fuck oooooooooooff


Apparently sleep wears off if (0..80) is less than the inflicted player unit's max HP. Which means Lief always wakes up on his first turn asleep. Nifty.


Hold has 64 accuracy (as much as Sleepra, remember!), which makes it a jerk. Lief has 75 magic defense, which at least makes that a non-issue; however, that's still rather high.

Something like this applies for damaging spells, too, at least in the NES version. Instead of missing, though, it just deals half damage; resistance forces it to "miss".

This Hold connected, incidentally, and lead to a game over. Paralysis has a 25% chance of recovering each turn. There's no hard cap to how long it lasts. Fun!


This is before I could throw up the White Curtain. Random turn order!

My strategy for this fight is basically this: use Hi-Potion after a non-Blizzara attack spell (except this time ) or ~200 HP, attack otherwise. The only thing really throwing a wrench into this is paralysis, which is nice, ish. It at least reassures me that I don't have to grind super-high, I just need to pray that the Lich doesn't connect with Paratouch or Hold too often.

Sleep's a hilariously incompetent status ailment.


Like, seriously, is there a point outside the early game (like, pre-Pravoka) where you don't have more than 80 HP? Maybe if you're a black mage who struggled to get lucky with strong level ups...


Otherwise...it's just a really boring battle. Unless you really want to see me yell every time I get screwed over by paralysis? Flail every time Lief gets a really shitty hit? Express joy at him getting 100+ damage hits?


Slow is a pain in the butt but he stunlocked me to death before I could even complain about just how shitty it was. Remember, it's not even a status, so it never wears off! And I don't have Haste!


Really, my biggest problem with Astos and the Lich in a Solo Thief (and presumably other solos) isn't that they're grindfests, but because they're so chance-based. Astos you have to get lucky with him rolling attack. With Ritchie it isn't a problem if he rolls attack or spell - thanks, based Hi-Potions - but you still have to hope he doesn't tag you with Paralysis - and if he does, you have to hope that 25% chance procs before he kills you. And then there's Slow...


Don't get me started on Slow. Most of Lief's firepower comes from those sweet seven hits he's scoring; take them away, and you have 14 damage. At best. Chipping away at the Lich has revealed one point of damage come up not uncommonly.

Also I found out that the chance for Statustouches to proc is (100 - Magic Defense) / 200, or 0 if you resist the status attack element. Only 12 more levels until Lief is completely immune to them!

Like. I could make this a non-issue with levels but Jesus Christ, twelve levels? And that would only work for Paratouch.


This only goes south whenever I fall prey to paralysis. arrrrgh




Level 31. How much will 5 HP, 1 Agility and 2 Magic Defense tip the scales in our favor? Let's find out!


This is technically unrelated, but shields (even the buckler!) can block attacks. I don't know how often, or if you just have stuff miss normally but then the shield briefly flashes up to take credit, but it can happen. Sometimes they block poison, and it's hilarious.


This completely caught me off-guard, but shortly after (after his second Blizzara), the Lich went down! Rot in hell forever, you kickass skeleton man!


And with that, the Earth Crystal's light is restored! Also, one of the bonus dungeons opened up. Right after the fight it might have been useful in prepping for. I mean, probably not, but.


And now we're done with the Cavern of Earth. Forever. We never, ever have to step foot in it again.

Which means we have access to the canoe now! And thus the airship! And thus promotions! We could technically - technically - try out the Earthgift Shrine now, but that would probably end in a murder-suicide pact. (That we can get out from, thankfully.) And why spend any more time as a thief than absolutely necessary?

Last time, we beat the everliving shit out of the Lich after a long, long battle. And struggling with paralysis.

Gone with the lich is much of the (relative) challenge in the game. There's still some buggers left but we'll be getting the tools to deal with them this update. So let's get cracking.


I love you too, zombies.

Paratouch remains a static difficulty, especially since Lief's magic defense may or may not actually be helping against it. The second order of business is to nab a tool that can help against it.

Can. It would be a lot more static if I knew that this ran the same mechanics as the NES version...


Now that his ass personally is on the line, this old fart gives us the canoe. The game gets a lot more open now; while we can't beat the water and wind fiends now, it's still possible to, say, beat them in reverse order.

Not that I will, mind, but.


We've also hit the point where money can be thrown around willy-nilly, probably due to the fact that we can't use anything in stores.


We leave our boat at the mouth of this river in order to deal with (theoretically, at any rate) as few rivers as possible. Ocean encounters are a constant, but river encounters...are also a constant, maybe, but way meaner.


See, man? White crocs. Horrible bastards. this didn't cause me to have to redo this whole part all over again shut up




Anyways, our misadventures in canoeing bring us to this mysterious cave. What horrors lie within...?


Welcome to the Cavern of Ice. Standard dungeon-diving practices apply, though there's actually some good treasure to be had this time.

Okay like one piece. As usual. Argh.


Pain-in-the-ass enemy groups abound.


These assholes are still here! They hit hard and can't be fled from. At all. Argh.

A mildly interesting tidbit is that encounters you can't run from can't ambush you or be ambushed. At least in the NES version. God, I'm going to have to append that to all of my knowledge now.


At...least we weren't stunlocked to death? Guess that's a good thing?

This is going to be a fun dungeon. I can feel it.


The stairs are, at least, relatively easy to find. Loop around the corner.


Same with B2.


B3 might be the most challenging part of the cavern.


Takes us back to B2 - Challenge Mode, though. Yet another loop to our destination...


Spectres saw how non-threatening Wraiths were and so stepped up their game with having Paratouch. Dicks.


This was the chest I wanted.

Thieves can't use Flame Swords so it's a rub.  Ninjas can, of course, but I don't think there's any notable fire-weak enemies after the class change.

The magic floating diamond thingy is our real prize. Unfortunately, it's surrounded by holes. Allons-y...


No matter what hole we go down, we return to B3: Challenge Mode.


Stepping forward reveals this encounter. Super intimidating, right? Except I got a first strike. Remember what I said earlier? Encounters you can't run from can't be ambushed. So I can run from this fight. And have to, on a pre-emptive turn.

Zombies one billion, Lief Katano one.

There is literally nothing I want from here, so let's jet.


The nice thing about damage tiles is that you can't fight on 'em.


White Dragons are dicks. Maybe the least dickish of the dragons (since you can apparently run from them), but still dicks. They have the enemy skill Icestorm, which deals 110ish damage to Lief.


This encounter...did not pan out.

Maybe I could've killed 'em if I actually tried to hurt them with the Wyrmslayer...


Dark Wizards cast Firaga. The guide I was previously referencing has them start off with Death, then Thundaga. I don't even know anymore...

Either way, they can be potentially dangerous but nowhere near Astos's level. I'd imagine that's mostly because they don't start off with Death anymore. :V


So. Last LP I discussed the mindflayer and how they were, uh, really ineffective. They started off by casting Mind Blast and connecting this time, and then attacked Lief and instantly KO'd him. Not because of damage, no - Lief was at full HP, and they have 1 attack. They insta KO'd him because they had Deathtouch.

The mindflayer's Deathtouch is notable because, unlike literally every other "touch", it has no related element. The Lich, for example, had a status-elemental attack. If you resist the element, you resist the status. What this means is that a mindflayer's Deathtouch can never be blocked.

This doesn't matter now, since we don't have any status protection anyways, but mindflayers will show up in later dungeons and continue to be a threat because unblockable Deathtouch.


Anyway, B1: Challenge Mode. Not too bad - just head to the room to the right. Don't go up the stairs. Otherwise you're back at the world map...in the same exact location...and if you go back you'll start at the beginning. I'm not bitter.

That chest is an ether.


I don't have to go out of the way to get this chest (the space we have to go is literally right below it) so this is nice. Good shield for Lief once he promotes.


I, uh. I managed to mess up getting the lead-up shot but this is the boss. Evil Eye here is notable for being one of the few enemies to possess both spells and enemy skills. His rotations are as such:

Spell:Thundara → Hold → Silence → Kill → Slow → Break → Sleep → Death
Skill: Gaze (damage) → Gaze (paralyze) → Gaze (stone) → Gaze (death)

62.5% chance to spell, 23.4% chance to skill, 14.1% chance to attack. He technically has the same odds to use a spell or skill, but due to how FFI AI works those are his effective chances. Those look scary.


Unfortunately for the Evil Eye, he has 162 HP. Lief can cut through that with almost hilarious ease, especially since it needs at least two turns to actually use the problem spells.

This would be harder in the NES version, where he starts out with his insta-kill spells, but we aren't in the NES version. Eat it.


And so, in an almost comical display, the levistone is ours.

Now we just have to get out of the cavern...by going through B3...again...


This is a bigger challenge than the Evil Eye.


We're free! The world is almost our oyster!


Smell ya later, boat.


...Wait, how does this even work? Is the levistone really like a garage key, or...?


Anyways, airship time! We flyin' now.


The first order of business is to clear out this place - the Citadel of Trials.


Unfortunately, we aren't quite kings of the world yet. The airship can only land on plains, which aren't exactly near the Citadel. Maybe I should've brought the boat up...eh.

This whole area is called the Citadel of Trials, by the way.


The weretiger is one of two members of the were family. The other is the werewolf.

Both of them are magical and regenerative so they didn't even need to tag them for Excalibur. They made a family for literally two monsters and one sword that beats them.

It's not a technically impressive process, most likely, but I'm amazed all the same.


I mentioned how pointless this sequence was, right? Right.

At least the GBA version gives it a bit of pizzazz, but why are you here, magical old guy?


Gimmick here is that it's a teleporter maze. The trick is to always take the southern-most teleporter.


In getting the Zeus Gauntlets I, uh, died.

Why am I even trying to get the Zeus gauntlets? Lief has awful Intellect.


I wonder how many people knew this line existed.

So yeah, you do have to talk to the old man. Huh.


These guys are not werebeasts, despite being called MANCATs in the NES version. Space limitations, I guess.


This is probably the trickiest it gets. You can't see it, but there's a further, longer path down. Gamer intuition might tell you that the one at the end is the one that's right. It's too far north of the other teleporters in the room, though, so nope.

Dragon Quest II also had a "puzzle" that screwed with Gamer Intuition like this. Strange, because those were both NES games...


The healing staff is Lief's proper introduction to spell-casting items. It casts Heal, the multi-target Cure. If this was the NES version, where hit was hard capped at 255 (so with enough Blinks you could evade everything) and the only healing item was the basic potion that you had to purchase one at a time, then I could see that being useful. As it stands, though? Ehhhhhh.


The next room over has an item that can't cast spells, but is way more useful. 9 points to defense? Yes please.

There was also an Ice Brand. The sage told you to beat up Marilith, but everything else (the relative weakness of Ice Dragons, getting the Ice Brand here) suggests that the sequence I'm doing is the "official" one.


This is a fire spell. Not particularly impressive, eh?


The Zeus gauntlets (that's not what they're officially called here but it sounds cooler  ) that the golems guarded earlier can...also be found in a chest here. And yes, these are the exact same Zeus gauntlets earlier. I'm just going to put a blatant callback here now:

Lief Katano, three years ago wrote:

The chest on my right was gil, while the chest on my left was empty when I got there. Weird. The other chest is more gil.

That's it. That's the trigger for the chest being empty.


I don't even know, man.




Mindflayers! Fuck 'em.




Yes, that's what we came here for. Great job.




These dragon zombies aren't as comically easy as the Evil Eye, but they're still, uh, complete pushovers. Especially with the wyrmkiller.


I just reset since Biggs got a level and I wanted to save that for Ninja. :V




The lesser tigers were the guys that were how I got the X-Potion that helped me beat the Lich first go-around.


Fuck paralysis.



Call me racist (dragonist?) if you want, but why do all of these goddamn dragons have to live in so many different holes in the ground jesus




Bahamut's cave is the southernmost one of the island with the forests.


...Man, if that was intentionally similar to the teleport maze in the Citadel...




If the long hallway didn't tip you off, then the basement floor should.




...Say what?




Fun fact: Bahamut's effect when summoned in the PSP Dissidia games is to raise the summoner's bravery over time. Intentional throwback or unintentional and hilarious? You decide!




Aww yeah. Why do these three chucklefucks get titles, though?




...There are so many things I don't remember happening.




Either way, fuck yeah, class change! Lief's armory is vastly expanded, though oddly enough this causes him to be less evasive. Hm.


...also I could've sworn Biggs's hit rate was maxed by this point. Does being a ninja cause you to gain more hit, as well?




Lief also gains command of all level 4 and lower black magic spells. Most of these will probably never see use. But I am literally swimming in cash right now, so why not? The important spells (Temper, Haste) are there. That said, Lief has 0 MP, so he isn't using any of them. That's the main reason why I tried to save a level up for Ninja.




Our final destination for this update is up this river. The village nearby is...mildly important. Maybe. But it doesn't have any level 4 or lower black magic spells and I'm feeling alright with equipment and levels so.




Waterfall cave? Waterfall cave.




Oh, I'm sorry, waterfall cavern. Jeez.


The waterfall cavern is...pretty easy. The only difficulty is that it's, well, a maze.




BOW BEFORE MY AWESOME MIGHT! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




Aww yeah, enough MP to cast Haste once.




...alright then.


I'm definitely clearing out every encounter I can in this cave, if the two levels haven't clued you in. I need MP somethin' fierce.




WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, PUNK? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!




This is our boss group.


It's mildly threatening in that it got an ambush and Cockatrices, but this Gauntlet Thundara completely wiped out the Cockatrices and Pyrolisk.


The mummies have Sleeptouch but given how much of a non-issue Sleep is that's not a problem.




Anyway, our Main Goodie from the room is this Ribbon.




Its main statistics are identical to the leather cap, but it lets the user resist every element (i.e. set their hit rate to zero). This means that he's forced to take half damage from all elemental attacks, and is completely immune to every status ailment (bar the Mindflayer's Deathtouch  along with some other non-elemental statuses but that's the only annoying one).


The game is over. Lief Katano is ready to take the world.