First Poster Wins [v1]

No, you didn't read that wrong—be the one to grab the first post when the thread is split!
(Make sure to include a statement about winning in your post, to differentiate this from a chat thread.)

Obviously I've already won, so you all shall fail for this round. >:3 actually this one doesnt count but still

(Mods, please remember to add a new version number for each split, i.e. [v2], [v3], [v4], etc.)

Do I win? I think so! Premature thread mitosis, activate!

Nuuuuuuuuuu

I win for being the World's Strongest Man even though such a victory is impossible at this point.

I win for being World's Multiclassiest Multiclasser.

I win because my battleships have 77 kills

I win because...uh.

I win because my battle group just claimed 22,000 more lives.

I win because a lot of my troops have fallen.

Ygro, how's the memorial stone coming?

I win because I've only lost two scouts in my war with Morocco while I've slaughtered thousands of troops and destroyed 4 or 5 battleships.

I win because I'm neutral in that war. :I

I win because slaughter cannot be spelled without laughter.

I win. Mwahahaha!

I win because duel daggers.

I win because of destruction.