Large-ass swords abound! This is Final Fantasy VII!

The opening to the game starts with...this. It's like FFV all over again!  


There's two soldiers that are missing at the end of the video. I don't know why.


Anyway, Vizzed was being a dick, so I'll just have to tell you that a guy comes out of the train. The soldiers try to stop him, but the one closest to him gets backflipped. Then a girl comes out of the train and kicks the other one in the nads. Then a fat guy and Mr. T come out of the train. No, I am not kidding about Mr. T. Mr. T motions to the top of the train, and a spiky, blonde guy jumps down from the top.


See? Mr. T, fools!

Mr. T runs off, and we're left with control over the spiky blonde guy, identified as an Ex-SOLDIER.

See? No, I don't know how he's missing 2 MP. He has magic, but both cost 4 MP.


We can loot two potions off of this guard's body. Woo!
Except not really. I find potions to be kinda useless, as they only restore 100 HP. It kind of escalates quickly.


Two soldiers rush our hero! Guy! Person! Thing!


And we go into battle! The good ol' ATB gauge is on the far right. "Barrier" is the gauge that shows how much time is left on the person's Barrier or MBarrier (which reduces physical and magical damage, respectively; you may know them better as "Protect" or "Shell"). The HP and MP roll (like Earthbound), but I don't know if it's possible to save someone from death (like Earthbound). I've certainly never done it.

The "Limit" meter (the pink thing) shows how far you have left until you can use a Limit Break, the only method the characters have of distinguishing each other. The Ex-SOLDIER's Limits are all pure damage, usually to one enemy.

The little bar on the top is the "Help" bar, which shows you what you're selecting. I use it.

We are facing an "MP". Um.

(there was another one, I just killed it).


See? I cannot make this shit up.

Machine Gun is, I believe, the MP's only attack.


This is the first game in the series that utilizes a results screen (as opposed to a bar across the top). EXP is what you think it is, while AP, in this game, is used to level up Materia, which gets us more abilities. Materia is what gave Cloud his "Magic" command. I'll get more into it later.

Also, in case you can't do math, Cloud leveled up from level 6 to level 7 in is first fight. In Final Fantasy VII.

Get it? GET IT? 

We get another Potion from one of them, and 60 something gil...I think.

Also, you can, in fact, opt out of an item drop. But I don't think space is limited (asides from the 99-item cap...I don't think I remember ever having too much shit), so why not?


Our hero-guy-person-thing walks off (after checking the other soldier's body, which, oddly enough, lacks potions).


Hey, it's our ragtag group of rebels! Hi, ragtag group of rebels!


[Jessie]: SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy?
What's he doing with us AVALANCHE?
[Biggs]: Hold it, Jessie. He WAS in SOLDIER.
He quit them and is now one of us.
Didn't catch your name...

(No, I don't know why Jessie's artwork is like that and Biggs' isn't.)


Anyway, we need to name this guy! His default name, in case you haven't figured it out yet, is Cloud, but we can put anything in there as long as it's less then nine characters.

About Cloud. He starts off with Ice and Lightning materia, which allows him to use Ice and Bolt-type spells. But he's pretty much a blank slate otherwise. The most hardcoded thing about him is that he's good at using swords and magic, and his Limit Breaks pump out the damage.

Also, while we're at it, come up with a name for this guy:

Spoiler:

Cloud it is!


Yes, Cloud, I just said that.

[Biggs]: Cloud, eh? I'm...
[Cloud]: I don't care what your names are. Once this job's done...I'm outta here.


Cloud is a mercenary, as opposed to a new member of AVALANCHE.

[enter: Mr. T]


Ohmigod don't kill me Mr. T!
Mr. T is the leader of AVALANCHE, see.

: Our target's the North Mako Reactor. We'll meet on the bridge in front of it.






It feels disheartening to know that Mr. T doesn't trust me.



why are the naming screens larger then everything else
Speaking of Mr. T, Barret actually had his design changed to look less like Mr. T. The results were pretty fucking horrible. I don't know why, either. I mean, sure, it wasn't intentional, but if he looks like Mr. fucking T, run with it!


[Cloud]: I...what?
[Mr. T]: *sigh* Nothing...

Yeah, FFVII has a...odd translation. FFVIII was actually the first (Final Fantasy, at least) game to get an actual translation team!

[Mr. T runs off]


[Cloud]: Cool.

[Cloud runs off]



The sign also says "WARNING" and something in Japanese. You think we're not welcome here?

Naaah.



I still can't get over how weird of a name MP is. I mean, you'd expect them to have magical prowess. Does anything in the military abbreviate to MP, even?

The Guard Hound has a Tentacle attack, I believe. I don't know, either.

Anyway, I bet you're itching to see some...3D spells, eh?





Cloud spins his sword around then sticks his hands out to cast a spell. I couldn't get a good shot of it, though.



He also does it in his Victory Dance/Pose. Due to the 3D, FFVII is the first game in the series where everyone has their own victory pose (barring FFI, actually, though then it was the spellcasting pose for the class). I mean, Cid and Yang and...someone else, I think...in IV used a completely different pose from the rest of the guys, but there was still a common pose.


Not really impressive, eh?

Oh, I forgot.



'Ere we go. It helps so I know what's an exit.

Yes, that can be a problem.



Monodrives use a physical or Fire, depending on which of your defenses are lower.
First, though, they waste a turn. Suckers.

And MPs have physical attacks, I learned...it's hitting you with their gun.
This, somehow, deals more damage then Machine Gun.
...


[Cloud]: No. After all, I did work in Shinra, y'know.
(I think all the informalities were added in the translation.)
[Mr. T]: The planet's full of Mako energy. People here use it every day.

It's the life blood of the planet. But Shinra keeps on sucking it out with these weird machines.
[Cloud]: I'm not here for a lecture. Let's just hurry.
[Mr. T]: That's it, you're coming with me from now on!


And then Mr. T walks into Cloud. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

In a Final Fantasy game of old, there would've been a box saying "Mr. T joined the party!" and fanfare playing. I mean, XII at least gave them a grayed screen with " joined the party!" in the middle. Alas.

Random fact: Biggs, Jessie, and Wedge (the fat guy) would've lampshaded this scene with them trying to "merge" and ending up bumping into each other, with one of them saying "I guess we're not good enough at this yet...". I personally think it's because they didn't decide who would lead, but whatevs.
Squaresoft removed it because they're a bunch of bastards with no funny bone (except, y'know, the guy who did it).  
Anyway, because I forgot to, stats:




There's a Cover materia in this game that I would suggest giving to Barret/Mr. T because of his stats.

Spirit is what your magic defense is, by the by. There's equipment that raises magic defense rather then spirit, but all of it is bugged to not raise magic defense. Luck, apparently, modifies Attack% and Defense%. That would explain why Mr. T is a touch more evasive then Cloud.

While Barret/Mr. T starts out with a one-slot weapon, he upgrades to two-slot before it matters, so s'all okay.



You have to talk to Biggs before moving on. Each time. This gets tedious, but Biggs is badass, so I'll forgive him.




Wait, dammit, I remembered wrong.  Ah well, Biggs is still badass.



[Cloud]: Isn't it just you three?
[Biggs]: ...yes.


[Cloud]: Why can't you?
[Jessie]: ...hm.





[Cloud]: *shrug* It's not my problem.
(...it kinda is.)
Barret gets mad and shit moving on
no I didn't accidentally press backspace losing all my work nosiree


The last semi-interesting shit I remember is magic damage. It's 6[Level+Magic]. Then it's multiplied by the spell multiplier - Bolt deals 0.5x the base magic damage. So, Cloud casting Bolt would net a raw 192 damage. This then appears to be divided by magic defense and randomized a bit or something. I dunno.


Ah, save points. Where would I be without you?

Frothing at the mouth because I lost to a boss and had to go back to the beginning of the dungeon and forfeit all of my earned EXP, right.

Final Fantasy III.

Anyway, we all know what a Save Point leads to, right?

this is also where the SELECT arrows can come in handy; the entrance is on the OTHER side of the hall




Awight, loot! This'll come in handy! Now, Mr. T, I want you to slot it into your gunarm so we can get the most healing possible. I'm a little dry on MP, 's all.


...you're shitting me.


I'm too young, so would this be the mannerisms of the actual Mr. T?
[Mr. T]: Cloud, you set the bomb.
[Cloud]: Shouldn't you do it?
(Excellent question, Cloud!)
[Mr. T]: Jus' do it! I gotta watch to make sure you don't pull nothin'.

(Which also could be done by setting the bomb yourself, then having him at gunarm point until you get out.)
[Cloud]: Fine, be my guest.


Hrm?
: Watch out!

This isn't just a reactor!!
(...huh?)




[Cloud]: *looking at Mr. T* Huh?

[Mr. T]: *motions to the reactor* What's wrong, Cloud? Hurry it up!

[Cloud]:...Yeah, sorry.





[Cloud]: *looks around*



[Cloud]: You win this round, mysterious voice.





Alright, Guard Scorpion. This guy's our first boss, and carries a grand tradition, which we'll get to in a bit.


Being a machine, he's also weak to Cloud's Bolt spell.




...apparently. Then again, his M.Defense is pretty high.


Anyway, Mr. T's Limit!


It's called Big Shot.




Then he fires it for 3 ¹⁄₄ times the normal damage (more then 100 damage, I can remember).






What? Okay!




...goddammit, Cloud.


This line is particularly infamous for the fact that Cloud gives no indication that you're going to need to not attack it.


See, this is the typical boss showing you how to manage the ATB system. This dates back to where the system started, in FFIV. This is technically the last game that has it, but VIII had a similar time-managing boss. Except it was a timed mission rather then a different form.


Anyway, Cloud is correct. Attack while it's tail's up and...




It's gonna attack with its laser. Ouch.




This...appears to only affect who he'll target. Maybe.




Scorpion Tail hurts. A lot.




The Scorpion Tail's unnatural hatred of black people (seeing as how it's a machine) lets Barret use his second Limit Break this fight.


This is good because you unlock the second Limit Break of the level by using the first one a lot.




Then the Guard Scorpion dies from a Bolt.


Both Mr. T and Cloud have leveled up from the battle.


And Mr. T gets a shiny new gun! Today's his day, ain't it?

Then we have to escape on a 10 minute-timer. Which isn't really threatening.


Or interesting; the worst that happens is that Jessie gets her leg stuck.


BOOM, large fuck-off explosion.


In case it hasn't occurred to you, yes, AVALANCHE is a terrorist group.


I mean, it's an eco-terrorist group (they're fighting for the planet), but still, it's dicey.


Especially with the black guy. I question why Moral Guardians didn't get on this game.

Oh, sorry.

[Wedge]: Yeah.
[Mr. T]: ...




I think they blew up the base so as to not get traced.








Yep, mercenary.

So, that's it for now! Next time: um.