This blog is a result of me staring at myself in the mirror for like an hour last night.

Go down

20181119

Post 

This blog is a result of me staring at myself in the mirror for like an hour last night.




You all know me by now. You know I have dumb moments. I've had quite a few in just the past few days, nearly deleting Discord and not wanting to come back.

Last night, however, I had a moment. I just stared at myself in the mirror and had this sort of conversation with myself in my head.

"Look at yourself. You're a mess. Why? Why are you doing this to yourself every day?"

It took some back and forth for a bit, but I think I came up with something. It happened when I was thinking about why I quit my job.

Back when I first started working at that store 3 years ago, I enjoyed it. I had a good paycheck, it was good work, it was close by to home, everything was fine.

So I asked myself, "What changed in those 3 years to make me hate my job so much?"

Obviously, in that time, there were a lot of changes: Managers coming and going, new employees every now and then (some of which barely stayed a week before quitting), getting to know people better, stuff like that.

I know one manager made things a living hell for everyone there, so that was definitely a rough period.....but after he left.....why did I just go further downhill mentally? The atmosphere was fine after he was gone, so why was I getting more miserable?

I thought about it, then I remembered something I told my first manager when I had just started working there: "Everyone here is my co-worker, not my friend. I didn't come here to make friends, I came here to do my job."

In my 3 years of working there, I forgot this. I started trying to fit in with them instead of just focusing on my job. I wanted to be part of the group they had. I had some good friends there, but I tried too hard to fit in, and the fact was that I never fit in with them. They all had their friends from school or whatever, and, yeah, I was their "friend," but I never felt like a true friend.

And I guess I was envious. I wanted to fit in, but that feeling of just being on the outside looking in drove me crazy.

And if I had just remembered what I said at the start of this job, I would have never had this problem.

But it wasn't just that.....there was definitely more than just feeling like an outsider. I was simply trying to be someone I wasn't.

That feeling wasn't just because of not fitting in, that feeling also came from wanting to be more successful at work. Do more than I was able to handle.

I got the dairy manager position about a year or so after I started working. I didn't like it, but I felt like if I could do well, maybe I could make a successful career out of this. After not doing well with it, they demoted me back to just a sacker (this was after manager hell btw). Things were getting back to being okay again...then the management shifted again, new manager offered me the position again, and there I went back to thinking I could make this some crazy successful job.

...but I couldn't. I was still struggling. I was never cut out for a management position, and it was just killing me because I felt like I had to succeed or I was never going to be anything in life.....and I broke.

....all because I was trying to be someone I wasn't.

Everything was fine when I just had a good $100-$150 a week coming in. That's all I needed for where I am now. Just a little cash to help pay for gas, buy food, maybe buy something for myself if I have extra. But I got greedy, I wanted more right then and now.....and it cost me.

Seeing this pattern, trying to be something I'm not, I thought more about this.

And I think the same can be said for here (or Discord). I've been trying to be someone I'm not.

I want to be a better friend to you guys. I always feel like I have to do more than I can possibly do to make you guys happy. And when I feel like I've failed, I just want to run away.

I know I'm not good with conversations. I can barely talk about anything unless I'm in one of my ranting and whining moods (kind of like right now...).

Another thing is just trying to have fun with you guys. I like playing games with you all, but then I start getting competitive or wanting to be better so I'm not feeling like a useless spectator, and it just leads to me being frustrated at myself or someone else.....So I end up deleting everyone on my friends list so I just stay out of the way.

Feelings like this, I just feel like a failure as a friend, because who wants to be friends with the guy who does nothing but whine about how bad everything is when it's not bad at all? Or who can't even handle a simple game with friends without getting fiercely competitive and raging before the game even ends?

I know I need to deal with the bad moods better. I know games are just that, games. I don't have to be the best at everything to feel helpful to someone. I don't need to win every game to have fun. However, I think I'll stay off of the friends lists for now and just play by myself so I don't get mad or make anyone mad...

But anyway, most importantly, I don't need to let little things become bigger than what they are.

But I also know that talking to someone, even if it's just someone who wants to listen and give a pat on the back, it helps. I know that there's still going to be days where I'm not feeling great. Not every day can be perfect and happy.

And then I remembered something....I can be that person to listen and give pats on the back. I was trying too hard to be some magical problem solver who could help with anything, but I'm not. And it's okay. Nobody can solve every single issue in life. All that matters is that I'm there for you guys.

Knowing these things, and then some, I feel like I have a new mindset going forward. I'm just me, some average Jo. Not some super human with magical powers. I can only do so much.

So, I have a game plan now. I'm not going to go crazy trying to be some super friend to everyone. I'm just going to be me. And by me, I mean the me that you guys remember from when we were still this fresh new Pit Stop. The "I'm a banana!" jokool Nyeh saying kool beans guy. Not this depressed and miserable lump of blah that moans and whines about trying to be more than I can possibly be.

Same goes for IRL. Things were fine with me just having a simple, near minimum wage job, focusing on my work and not trying to fit in with my co-workers. That's all I need to be, just the average Jo working the average job to fill my average needs. I don't need to feel like I have to be friends with everyone I meet, be that guy who wants to hang out and have fun or whatever. It's not me. I have fun by coming home, playing or watching something, and chatting with you guys.

As for the future, I know this won't last like this, but I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to be me. The average Jo who doesn't need some fancy job or be apart of some "in crowd" wherever I go. Because I have all I need already.
avatar
Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

- Similar topics
Share this post on: diggdeliciousredditstumbleuponslashdotyahoogooglelive

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum