I don't know anymore...
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I don't know anymore...
I keep bouncing back and forth between what I'd be better off doing with my life.
In my mind, I want something ideal, such as building up friendships that last a lifetime, having fun and doing all sorts of stuff with them, maybe falling in love somewhere down the road, stuff like that.
Something like this comes to my mind when I think of that.
I've always dreamed of that, trying to get along with people, and I'm doing okay at it right now (I mean, I have all of you guys, so that's something big there). I just struggle irl still to get along with people.
Sure, working at a store has helped me a bit. Just about everyone who comes in knows who I am (it's a small town, so that happens pretty easily
), but I still have those moments....
....and then more moments happen....
...and then I think maybe I am better off just sitting at home in front of my computer playing video games and watching anime all day...
...maybe I want that more than wanting to be with friends irl...
See how I flip flop? From wanting to have friends and hang out with them, to wanting to be alone and do my own thing all day...
I honestly don't know what's better for me, or what I really want. I still have that social awkwardness and everything that comes with it, such as overpowering fear and mind numbing anxiety...
...I think that social disorder I have is the main reason why I keep bouncing back and forth. I see stuff like in anime and manga, and I know it's just fantasy, but I want that fantasy life, or at least something like it, but when I actually try to go for it irl, I usually end up letting my fear and anxiety take over, and at the end of the day, I'm usually saying, "Screw it! I don't need them!"
....I don't know anymore.
In my mind, I want something ideal, such as building up friendships that last a lifetime, having fun and doing all sorts of stuff with them, maybe falling in love somewhere down the road, stuff like that.
Something like this comes to my mind when I think of that.
- or a group like this also comes to my mind:
I've always dreamed of that, trying to get along with people, and I'm doing okay at it right now (I mean, I have all of you guys, so that's something big there). I just struggle irl still to get along with people.
Sure, working at a store has helped me a bit. Just about everyone who comes in knows who I am (it's a small town, so that happens pretty easily
), but I still have those moments........and then more moments happen....
- ...and then I start feeling like this:
...and then I think maybe I am better off just sitting at home in front of my computer playing video games and watching anime all day...
...maybe I want that more than wanting to be with friends irl...
See how I flip flop? From wanting to have friends and hang out with them, to wanting to be alone and do my own thing all day...
I honestly don't know what's better for me, or what I really want. I still have that social awkwardness and everything that comes with it, such as overpowering fear and mind numbing anxiety...
...I think that social disorder I have is the main reason why I keep bouncing back and forth. I see stuff like in anime and manga, and I know it's just fantasy, but I want that fantasy life, or at least something like it, but when I actually try to go for it irl, I usually end up letting my fear and anxiety take over, and at the end of the day, I'm usually saying, "Screw it! I don't need them!"
....I don't know anymore.
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I don't know anymore... :: Comments
14th September 2016, 11:21 am by Greece
Life is full of just being "social" and "anti-social". There's a balance that you creative in your life. Sometimes you want to be around people, and other times you don't. That's completely normal. There is no person in this world who wants to always be with people or always be without people. So we flip flop between our the social aspects of our lives. And there will always be those times when we have moments. When we say something wrong, or act embarrassingly. That stuff is just part of being imperfect humans. If people are making you feel bad for making mistakes then they're the ones with the big problem, not you.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but I know you can find yourself. If anyone can find happiness, I think it's you. You've over come many challenges in just of what I've seen of you. And a lot of them have been social. So I believe in you.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but I know you can find yourself. If anyone can find happiness, I think it's you. You've over come many challenges in just of what I've seen of you. And a lot of them have been social. So I believe in you.
15th September 2016, 8:19 am by Cap'n Jack
What I'll say is that you're handling this issue really maturely. You're not making up some uncontrollable force and then blaming it, and you're not fully subscribing to the "social" or "anti-social" part of you (to use Greece's words). That's the best you can do, is not lose sight of that. In my experience, some effort is required on my part in order to make lasting friendships, so you can't just sit around and wait for something to fall into your lap. It take a while for you to come across a person that you want to know, yes, but once that opportunity arises you need to put in effort to seize it.
Even after you've made that friend, it's possible to mess it up. I'm speaking from experience here, but mostly what I need to learn in order to not be so unwittingly caustic toward people that I care about is that I need to stop being jealous of people that I see as being better than me. I don't know if you can relate, I'm just giving you my perspective. I hope any feelings of jealousy that you have aren't as strong as mine, so it'll be easier for you to shake them.
So yeah, the most important thing to remember is that you can't stop putting yourself out there. Shutting yourself in is not going to help. It sounds like you know all of this already, so just don't forget it.
Even after you've made that friend, it's possible to mess it up. I'm speaking from experience here, but mostly what I need to learn in order to not be so unwittingly caustic toward people that I care about is that I need to stop being jealous of people that I see as being better than me. I don't know if you can relate, I'm just giving you my perspective. I hope any feelings of jealousy that you have aren't as strong as mine, so it'll be easier for you to shake them.
So yeah, the most important thing to remember is that you can't stop putting yourself out there. Shutting yourself in is not going to help. It sounds like you know all of this already, so just don't forget it.
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