Character Sketches
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Character Sketches
by Greece 7th May 2015, 9:25 pm
Character Sketches
Much as a picture is used to give a viewer an image of a character, a character sketch uses words to help a reader create an image of a character in their head. Thus being able to create a sketch using descriptive and fluid technique is important to create the character for that reader.
So now this thread exists for us all to be able to work on our writing!
Much as a picture is used to give a viewer an image of a character, a character sketch uses words to help a reader create an image of a character in their head. Thus being able to create a sketch using descriptive and fluid technique is important to create the character for that reader.
So now this thread exists for us all to be able to work on our writing!
I really need to work on my writing, so I made a quick character sketch, that I hope I can get some input on, basically I just need you guys to comment on anything you think sounds wrong. Grammer, syntax, flow, etc, ANYTHING. I need all the help I can get.
My current avatar is basically my feeling towards this
- time to post thins DX:
- Beatrix’s fingers loosely trailed over the pages of the book as she kept her eyes locked on the door. The town was being ravaged by monsters, not that she seemed to mind, the dusty tome she had found was much more important than the silly town she lived in. The magic the flowed out of the book charged the room’s atmosphere. Everything seemed to move slowly throughout the room; as Beatrix’s ebony hair slid through the air in long sweeping motions. In the room, the air grew thicker and thicker, and with each passing minute beatrix’s slender smile grew wider and wider. Emitting from the book was a dim light that was bright enough to illuminate Beatrix’s face; though the light reflected out of her amber eyes. Heavy steps started to fill the hallway beyond the door, and Beatrix’s eyes tightened. Now filled with determination, and excitement, Beatrix lowered her stance and started to draw more power from the tome. The surge of energy made the deep blue robes she was wearing flick through the air. A loud clang resonated from the door. Unflinching Beatrix took a breath as the door was busted through. At the first sign of the monster Beatrix released the stored magic in a blinding light that eclipsed her tiny figure. The entire building was illuminated in a celestial shimmer; that almost seemed to burn the skin. When the gleam had faded there was nothing in sight, just a scar on the ground. Nothing else was left to prove of the existence of the girl.
Last edited by Greece on 7th May 2015, 9:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Character Sketches
by Guest 7th May 2015, 9:29 pm
Sounds good to me, just noticed a couple of typos (like 'The magic the flowed out of the book').
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Re: Character Sketches
by Greece 7th May 2015, 9:31 pm
Thanks jokool! I always miss those freaking typos, if it hasn't been apparent enough from my time on here XD
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Re: Character Sketches
by Guest 7th May 2015, 9:36 pm
Typos are common, they happen to all of us especially for those of us who use on screen keyboards with autocorrect.....
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Re: Character Sketches
by Princess 15th May 2015, 5:54 pm
Before I review, please realize I am quite critical and I don't mean anything against you or even your writing. It's quite brave of people to share a taste of their writing with others because it's a segment of your thoughts being projected at the world in this case and I very much so respect you for that. With that in mind, let's begin!
- Princess Of Luma's Analysis:
- Greece wrote:
Beatrix’s fingers loosely trailed over the pages of the book as she kept her eyes locked on the door.
Personally, I find the word loosely out of place because the verb it is describing is related to fingers. Perhaps another adverb with a similar meaning might fight the sentence better.Greece wrote:
The magic the flowed out of the book charged the room’s atmosphere.
This was already addressed by someone else.Greece wrote:
Everything seemed to move slowly throughout the room; as Beatrix’s ebony hair slid through the air in long sweeping motions.
A few things.
1. The semicolon is not needed. I'm not sure if you meant to use it as an effect, but even if it is, it is still used improperly (according to the rules of grammar). A semicolon may be used to link independent clauses together with or without a connector but I don't think "as" is a connector in this case. Furthermore, it halts the reader's train of reading (which again, I'm not sure if you meant it to be that way) in a sentence that uses trance-y, flowing words.
2. There should be a comma after the "long"; the revised phrase would look like this: long, sweeping motion.
3. I'm on the fence regarding the word "slid". On one hand, it's a different way of expressing what you are writing and I think it's cool you are branching out by using a different word. But on the other hand, it contradicts the "long, sweeping motions" (which may have been on purpose). A substitute that would work with most of the syntax in the sentence is "swirled" or "descended".
4. It's unclear what her hair is exactly doing. Is it falling through the air or is it blowing in the air, or what?Greece wrote:
beatrix’s slender smile grew wider and wider.
Capitalize Beatrix. Just a typo
Greece wrote:Emitting from the book was a dim light that was bright enough to illuminate Beatrix’s face; though the light reflected out of her amber eyes.
1. The phrase with the lights seems to contradict itself (the light is dim but yet it is somehow bright enough to illuminate Beatrix's face?). I'd rework the phrase without the word "dim" and the phrase "that was".
2. See what I said earlier about semicolons.
3. When you say "the light reflected out of her amber eyes", what are you trying to communicate? It comes off a bit confusing and vague to me because I'm not sure if you mean that the light illuminating her face is coming out of her eyes also or if the light reflecting out of her eyes is merely a reflection of the light illuminating her face. You could even have meant to communicate something I didn't even mention. Basically, I'm suggesting reworking that whole phrase so the meaning is clear.Greece wrote:Heavy steps started to fill the hallway beyond the door, and Beatrix’s eyes tightened.
1. I would suggest to put before "heavy steps", "The sound of". If this is interpreted as written, it is saying that the steps literally are filling the hallway.
2. What are you referring to when you write that "Beatrix's eyes tightened"? Clarifying would make the meaning more clear, especially since "tightened" is not a verb normally used when describing the actions of eyes.Greece wrote:Beatrix lowered her stance
This is vague and it isn't clear what she is doing because it wasn't specified before what position she was in. If this is taken exactly as it is written, it communicates that Beatrix isn't defensive anymore.Greece wrote:The surge of energy made the deep blue robes she was wearing flick through the air.
It is unclear what the robes are doing. Are they stirring from the energy? Or did the robes fly off her? Etc.Greece wrote:Unflinching Beatrix took a breath as the door was busted through.
There should be a comma between "unflinching" and "Beatrix".Greece wrote:At the first sign of the monster Beatrix released the stored magic in a blinding light that eclipsed her tiny figure.
1. This is redundant as there have already been many signs that the monster is nearby. Either delete this phrase and combine the remains of this sentence with the previous sentence or reword this phrase.
2. If you still wanted to keep the phrase, there should be a comma between "monster" and "Beatrix".Greece wrote:The entire building was illuminated in a celestial shimmer; that almost seemed to burn the skin.
See what I said earlier about semicolons.Greece wrote:When the gleam had faded there was nothing in sight
There should be a comma between faded and there.Greece wrote:Nothing else was left to prove of the existence of the girl.
The "of" doesn't need to be there. I would personally delete the "else" for conciseness and so the sentence is nice and short, but that's entirely up to you whether you want to delete it or not.
Overall, this has a lot of potential and I think you have a pleasant writing style. My main criticism of the piece as a whole is that it lacks direction; it left me wondering what this is supposed to reveal about Beatrix? I'd suggest you figure out a few key characteristics you want to paint to the reader and zoom in on that.
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Re: Character Sketches
by Greece 15th May 2015, 7:39 pm
Princess of Lumas wrote:Before I review, please realize I am quite critical and I don't mean anything against you or even your writing. It's quite brave of people to share a taste of their writing with others because it's a segment of your thoughts being projected at the world in this case and I very much so respect you for that. With that in mind, let's begin!
- Princess Of Luma's Analysis:
Beatrix’s fingers loosely trailed over the pages of the book as she kept her eyes locked on the door.
Personally, I find the word loosely out of place because the verb it is describing is related to fingers. Perhaps another adverb with a similar meaning might fight the sentence better.Greece wrote:
The magic the flowed out of the book charged the room’s atmosphere.
This was already addressed by someone else.Greece wrote:
Everything seemed to move slowly throughout the room; as Beatrix’s ebony hair slid through the air in long sweeping motions.
A few things.
1. The semicolon is not needed. I'm not sure if you meant to use it as an effect, but even if it is, it is still used improperly (according to the rules of grammar). A semicolon may be used to link independent clauses together with or without a connector but I don't think "as" is a connector in this case. Furthermore, it halts the reader's train of reading (which again, I'm not sure if you meant it to be that way) in a sentence that uses trance-y, flowing words.
2. There should be a comma after the "long"; the revised phrase would look like this: long, sweeping motion.
3. I'm on the fence regarding the word "slid". On one hand, it's a different way of expressing what you are writing and I think it's cool you are branching out by using a different word. But on the other hand, it contradicts the "long, sweeping motions" (which may have been on purpose). A substitute that would work with most of the syntax in the sentence is "swirled" or "descended".
4. It's unclear what her hair is exactly doing. Is it falling through the air or is it blowing in the air, or what?Greece wrote:
beatrix’s slender smile grew wider and wider.
Capitalize Beatrix. Just a typoGreece wrote:Emitting from the book was a dim light that was bright enough to illuminate Beatrix’s face; though the light reflected out of her amber eyes.
1. The phrase with the lights seems to contradict itself (the light is dim but yet it is somehow bright enough to illuminate Beatrix's face?). I'd rework the phrase without the word "dim" and the phrase "that was".
2. See what I said earlier about semicolons.
3. When you say "the light reflected out of her amber eyes", what are you trying to communicate? It comes off a bit confusing and vague to me because I'm not sure if you mean that the light illuminating her face is coming out of her eyes also or if the light reflecting out of her eyes is merely a reflection of the light illuminating her face. You could even have meant to communicate something I didn't even mention. Basically, I'm suggesting reworking that whole phrase so the meaning is clear.Greece wrote:Heavy steps started to fill the hallway beyond the door, and Beatrix’s eyes tightened.
1. I would suggest to put before "heavy steps", "The sound of". If this is interpreted as written, it is saying that the steps literally are filling the hallway.
2. What are you referring to when you write that "Beatrix's eyes tightened"? Clarifying would make the meaning more clear, especially since "tightened" is not a verb normally used when describing the actions of eyes.Greece wrote:Beatrix lowered her stance
This is vague and it isn't clear what she is doing because it wasn't specified before what position she was in. If this is taken exactly as it is written, it communicates that Beatrix isn't defensive anymore.Greece wrote:The surge of energy made the deep blue robes she was wearing flick through the air.
It is unclear what the robes are doing. Are they stirring from the energy? Or did the robes fly off her? Etc.Greece wrote:Unflinching Beatrix took a breath as the door was busted through.
There should be a comma between "unflinching" and "Beatrix".Greece wrote:At the first sign of the monster Beatrix released the stored magic in a blinding light that eclipsed her tiny figure.
1. This is redundant as there have already been many signs that the monster is nearby. Either delete this phrase and combine the remains of this sentence with the previous sentence or reword this phrase.
2. If you still wanted to keep the phrase, there should be a comma between "monster" and "Beatrix".Greece wrote:The entire building was illuminated in a celestial shimmer; that almost seemed to burn the skin.
See what I said earlier about semicolons.Greece wrote:When the gleam had faded there was nothing in sight
There should be a comma between faded and there.Greece wrote:Nothing else was left to prove of the existence of the girl.
The "of" doesn't need to be there. I would personally delete the "else" for conciseness and so the sentence is nice and short, but that's entirely up to you whether you want to delete it or not.
Overall, this has a lot of potential and I think you have a pleasant writing style. My main criticism of the piece as a whole is that it lacks direction; it left me wondering what this is supposed to reveal about Beatrix? I'd suggest you figure out a few key characteristics you want to paint to the reader and zoom in on that.
I honestly, truly appreciate all you said. This is honestly the first time I've really written a character sketch, so I'm glad to know that I should add some direction to it. I just tried to describe what the character looked like, which seemed to stem the piece all together. It also seems that I need to be more descriptive too, seeing how something were left confusing or hard to understand.
Again, I'm really, really glad you did this! And being extremely critical will help me toughen up about sharing my work! (I actually wasn't upset about anything you said, which is great! So I thank you for that too!)
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Re: Character Sketches
by Princess 15th May 2015, 10:58 pm
Was your point to describe the character's appearance or introduce a taste of what they were like? Normally when I hear "character sketch" in relation to writing, it's the latter option I described but I'm not sure that's what you had in mind 
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Re: Character Sketches
by Nopon 15th May 2015, 10:59 pm
how did I miss this thread :O
I'll be sure to throw some out for some of my many many characters to see if I can do this cause its one of my biggest weaknesses ;-;
I'll be sure to throw some out for some of my many many characters to see if I can do this cause its one of my biggest weaknesses ;-;
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Re: Character Sketches
by Princess 15th May 2015, 11:03 pm
I'm actually quite nice though
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Re: Character Sketches
by Nopon 16th May 2015, 12:22 am
- Tried to write this one in ten minutes:
- "I like chocolate!"
The young boy's bright cyan eyes looked back at me, a wide grin plastered underneath them. He seemed so cheerful, despite being in such a place...Either way, he had put in his order so I had to get it.
"What's a kid like you doing in a place like this?"
I reached below the counter and fished around for a bit before finding the tub of ice cream. I opened it and sighed. Melted.
"I-I'm here waiting for a friend..."
The boy fiddled around with the strings on the violin which sat on his lap. The soft plucks seemed to bring a calm to this pile of garbage I called my work. I poured the melted ice cream in a cup and sprayed a heaping helping of whipped cream atop of it.
"Stuff's melted so ya might need a spoon..."
"No, its okay, I can drink it."
The boy smiled and took a swig of the melted ice cream, leaning back and letting his brown top hat fall from his head. It was a miracle that it even stayed on there, it was clearly a few sizes to big for him. As he realized the hat had fallen he ran his hand through his mousy brown hair just to be sure.
"W-where di-"
"On the floor, behind you."
He hopped down off of the bar stool and grabbed the hat, placing it back where it belonged atop his head. He smiled at me and dusted off his brown overcoat, and even made sure his collar was raised. He climbed back up onto the stool and took another sip of his sweet drink, not noticing that some whipped cream got onto his tan shirt, as well as his brown pants. The kid had good taste, would be a shame if his clothes got stained, after all, they were nicer than anything any of the other people at the bar had.
"Ya got a little something right..."
The boy's eyes followed my finger and he let out a soft gasp as he grabbed napkins and cleaned himself up before seeing the time.
"I, um, have to go...could I pay you back later?"
"I'll need a name kid, how else will I know who to hunt down for two bucks?"
"Oh, my name's Mithos Vairon!"
Stupid kid, still had that smile on his face as he left while playing a few notes on his violin. Felt sorry for him, this city wasn't kind to those with hope.
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Re: Character Sketches
by Guest 26th May 2015, 2:38 pm
I think I've told you guys about (or at least mention it slightly) my story idea that revolves around this Chinese/Japanese mythology, but I haven't really talked about the characters I've created for it. Lately, I've been chatting with Karis over on Bulba, and we've been talking about our different ideas for stuff, like Yugioh cards, story ideas, etc. I just shared this with him, and thought I'd also share it here:
So far, the four main characters are (and their names have changed many times, but I like these names currently) Nathan, Erika, Samantha, and William. There's a lot of details I'm still working on, so they may change again eventually, but for now, this is the basic description of everyone:
Nathan is from the northern tribe, age 19, 5' 10" and 140 lbs., has short blue hair and blue eyes, is fairly serious compared to the others, and has water elemental powers and can also turn water into ice and use it as a weapon (preferred weapon is an ice staff). His family runs a fish market in his home town, and his sister loves cats.
Erika is from the eastern tribe, age 21, 5' 9" and 110 lbs., has long green hair and green eyes, is usually fairly quiet and fairly serious, and has wood elemental powers. Her weapon of choice is a wood hammer. She keeps her distance from her family and doesn't talk about them much, but has a good relationship with the leader of her tribe and his son. She is also very athletic, likes to stay connected to nature by not wearing any shoes, and usually prefers to work alone.
Samantha is from the southern tribe, age 18, 5' 7" and 120 lbs., has long red hair and amber eyes, a bit of a tomboy, and has fire elemental powers. Her weapon of choice is a sword. Her father is a single dad who holds an important job in her home tribe. She also has a sister who is in a military-like group for her tribe.
William is from the eastern tribe, age 16, 5' 6" and 120 lbs., has short silver hair with a mohawk-like style on the front, light blue/grey eyes, a big goofball personality, and has metal elemental powers. His weapons of choice are guns that he can change around using his metal powers (like from hand guns to a sniper rifle). His father and mother are the leaders of his tribe.
So far, the four main characters are (and their names have changed many times, but I like these names currently) Nathan, Erika, Samantha, and William. There's a lot of details I'm still working on, so they may change again eventually, but for now, this is the basic description of everyone:
Nathan is from the northern tribe, age 19, 5' 10" and 140 lbs., has short blue hair and blue eyes, is fairly serious compared to the others, and has water elemental powers and can also turn water into ice and use it as a weapon (preferred weapon is an ice staff). His family runs a fish market in his home town, and his sister loves cats.
Erika is from the eastern tribe, age 21, 5' 9" and 110 lbs., has long green hair and green eyes, is usually fairly quiet and fairly serious, and has wood elemental powers. Her weapon of choice is a wood hammer. She keeps her distance from her family and doesn't talk about them much, but has a good relationship with the leader of her tribe and his son. She is also very athletic, likes to stay connected to nature by not wearing any shoes, and usually prefers to work alone.
Samantha is from the southern tribe, age 18, 5' 7" and 120 lbs., has long red hair and amber eyes, a bit of a tomboy, and has fire elemental powers. Her weapon of choice is a sword. Her father is a single dad who holds an important job in her home tribe. She also has a sister who is in a military-like group for her tribe.
William is from the eastern tribe, age 16, 5' 6" and 120 lbs., has short silver hair with a mohawk-like style on the front, light blue/grey eyes, a big goofball personality, and has metal elemental powers. His weapons of choice are guns that he can change around using his metal powers (like from hand guns to a sniper rifle). His father and mother are the leaders of his tribe.
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Re: Character Sketches
by Princess 27th May 2015, 8:56 pm
jokool wrote:
Erika is from the eastern tribe, age 21, 5' 9" and 110 lbs., has long green hair and green eyes, is usually fairly quiet and fairly serious, and has wood elemental powers. Her weapon of choice is a wood hammer. She keeps her distance from her family and doesn't talk about them much, but has a good relationship with the leader of her tribe and his son. She is also very athletic, likes to stay connected to nature by not wearing any shoes, and usually prefers to work alone.
In terms of being realistic, that is severely underweight, especially if she's "athletic". Most athletic people tend to weigh heavier than the correct height to weight ratio as well because of the added muscle.
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Re: Character Sketches
by Guest 27th May 2015, 9:22 pm
Yeah, I kinda thought that was a bit off... I'm not good at figuring out height and weight. The guys I based off of my height and weight somewhat. :P
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Re: Character Sketches
by Burnin' Bunnies 27th May 2015, 9:50 pm
For reference, I am 5 foot and my weight fluctuates anywhere between 97 and 103 or so, which is normal, but leaning towards the light side, I think. Snazz is 5'3 I think and is probably 106-112 or so (I wouldn't really know). If I had to guess, 5'9 would be about 125? With added muscle, she's probably anywhere between 130 and 145, depends on how much muscle.
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