Character Sketches

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Re: Character Sketches

Post by Guest on 27th May 2015, 11:06 pm

Good to know. Thanks!

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Re: Character Sketches

Post by silence on 1st June 2015, 8:37 pm

K....I'm going to try this out. Wish me luck

Here you go! :P:
The 18 year old walked briskly through the crowd of people. Her cold blue eyes looked dead ahead, a scowl on her face brooding. The Fall weather had her dressed in a black attire, with a jacket that was 3 size to big. Oily blond hair pulled in a tight bun showing the black coloring on the bottom layer.
"Kat!!" a boy behind her called out,"Hey! Wait up!" Kat didn't slow her pace. She choose to ignore the boy, maybe he'll get the message and leave me alone, she hoped.
"What the heck, Kat!" the boy exclaimed as he grabbed her arm.
"Don't freckin' touch me!" Kat exclaimed as she turned toward the mop head of a boy. "You know what you did, and you have no right talking to me." She began to walk off again, but was restrained when the boy grabbed her arm again,
"Kat, wait, you need to know why I did that."
"I know perfectly well why you did that! You want me to suffer for the rest of my life!"
"Kat, you know that's not tru-"
"You don't get it! Do you David?! I was so close to getting rid of it! So close! But then you came in and destroyed everything!!" Kat gazed into David's warm brown eyes, so full of anger toward him, yet she just wanted to forgive him and be friends again, seeing he was the only one she had.
"You would have died if everything went to plan"
"Yeah well I would have been happier if I was died than still stuck with this curse!!!" David went in for a hug to calm her, but Kat pushed him away "JUST STOP IT!" When she shoved him away, powerful waves exited her body pushing everything away from her in a 10 feet radius. Tears stated to swell in her icy blue eyes. "Oh gosh...."She whispered "I'm- I'm so sorry" She ran from the scene, ignoring David's cries for her to stay.  


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Re: Character Sketches

Post by Greece on 6th June 2015, 9:00 pm

I may not be as good as Luma, but I'll give you what I've got! I feel like I'm just nit picking :U

Spoiler:

TheSnazzMaster wrote:
Oily blond hair pulled in a tight bun showing the black coloring on the bottom layer.
This sentence gets the job done, but I feel like it could flow better. It just feels a bit out of place coming directly after the previous sentence with any type of transition or something


She choose to ignore the boy
*chose


maybe he'll get the message and leave me alone, she hoped.
'she hoped' sounds a little direct, maybe 'she thought to herself hopefully' would flow a bit better

"Don't freckin' touch me!" Kat exclaimed as she turned toward the mop head of a boy. "You know what you did, and you have no right talking to me." She began to walk off again, but was restrained when the boy grabbed her arm again,
I feel like there may need to be some physical reaction, to emphasis how angry Kat really is.

Kat gazed into David's warm brown eyes, so full of anger toward him, yet she just wanted to forgive him and be friends again, seeing he was the only one she had.
I feel that if she's full on anger she wouldn't really be gazing, the syntax over all kind of bothers me...

When she shoved him away, powerful waves exited her body pushing everything away from her in a 10 feet radius
Maybe its just me, but I feel that giving an exact distance ruins the flow of the sentence. "When shoved him away, powerful waves exited her body causing everything around her to bu pushed away" or something better than that. Being so exact kind of took away from it.
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Re: Character Sketches

Post by silence on 6th June 2015, 9:03 pm

Thanks :D


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Re: Character Sketches

Post by Greece on 8th June 2015, 4:05 pm

Whoops, I missed Lux's:

Magical Nopon wrote:
He seemed so cheerful, despite being in such a place...
You say 'in such a place' but we don't really know where this place is. Maybe adding in some description of this building could help us develop an understanding of how out of place being cheerful is.

"What's a kid like you doing in a place like this?"

I reached below the counter and fished around for a bit before finding the tub of ice cream. I opened it and sighed. Melted.
I feel like these two sentences could be connect a but more: "I reached below the counter and fished around for, "What's a kid like you doing in a place like this?" I asked as soon as I found the tub of ice cream..."
Though this might be more of a style difference

The boy smiled and took a swig of the melted ice cream, leaning back and letting his brown top hat fall from his head. It was a miracle that it even stayed on there, it was clearly a few sizes to big for him.
The way the second sentence is phrased makes it sound like the hat did stay none his head. Clarifying that you were talking about the past could cause less confusion and re-reading (ex/ "It was a miracle that it even stayed on there in the first place...")

He hopped down off of the bar stool and grabbed the hat, placing it back where it belonged atop his head.
Now I'm not the best at grammar, but I feel like there should be some type of punctuation before atop his head. Unless you're saying there's an exact spot on his head that is belongs it (which is what it kind of sounds like).

The kid had good taste, would be a shame if his clothes got stained, after all, they were nicer than anything any of the other people at the bar had.
I feel like the punctuation could be better there. I think there are too many commas. hmm.

"The kid had good taste, would be a shame if his clothes got stained. After all, they were nicer than anything any of the other people at the bar had."

I'm not sure if that correct though. I'm not the best with grammar. We need Lumas too help us @~@
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Re: Character Sketches

Post by Princess on 11th June 2015, 12:34 am

I'll critique when I have time :U


It takes me around 30 minutes to an hour to do each one, I believe.



but lief me alone
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Re: Character Sketches

Post by Nopon on 12th June 2015, 11:46 pm

thanks for the tips! Guess grammar really isn't my strong suit Laughing

aaaaaaaaaanyway I got inspired for ANOTHER pokemon fic when will I finish any of mine? so I want to try to paint out the opening scene, tell me what you think :V

Spoiler:
It was a warm sunny day on Mt. Corronet as a flock of starly flew above the woods below. A soft breeze danced through the leaves, and the occasional chirp broke the silence.

Then a loud explosion shattered the illusion of tranquility.

The forest below had been a war zone for the past hour, the uprooted trees lay as a testament to the struggle. Various pokémon ran from the epicenter of the storm where the battle hardened warriors stood. A massive bulk of what looked like an angry white pine tree grew limbs stood before a the fierce land shark before it. It raised its scythe-like arm, and began to charge forwards. The other pokémon stared it down as a voice behind it gave one word.

"Blizzard."

In an instant the forest became shrouded in a flurry of snow as the winds spun haphazardly in every direction. Visibility became zero, and trees fell under the force of the snow. As quickly as it had begun, it ended, leaving another moment of perfect tranquility as a few wild pokémon clawed their way out of the foot of snow the storm had left.

Those were the lucky ones.

The snow began to shake as the garchomp rose out from the snow and stared at the abomasnow. It took a step forwards before collapsing to the floor. The abomasnow released a powerful roar as it turned red and disappeared. A young man stood next to one of the few trees which had been spared. He held a pokéball in one hand and a stopwatch in the other. He stopped it and stared at the time.

"Tch, was that all you really had? Pathetic. Perhaps the other regions will pose a greater challenge..."

"Y-you just beat the freaking champion like it was nothing!"

"And I hope you got it all on tape."

With that little thing I was hoping to kind of just grab the reader's attention and then go on to describe the characters. Didn't really mention the characters because I wanted the sinnoh champion to remain unknown(my fics are set in the same world so didn't want to spoil the end to one of my fics), and the other characters weren't completely designed yet :V
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Re: Character Sketches

Post by Cap'n Jack on 19th July 2015, 2:06 pm

Well, since I've redocked at the Pit Stop, I've been wondering what I might be able to contribute other than the lolrandomness that this place is composed of, and I have to say that over the years I've become a bit of a writer myself... meaning that it's my dream job and pretty much my goal in life to write fiction professionally. So yeah, I have plenty to say on this subject so I thought I'd stop by and contribute something.

@Greece wrote:It's also time to back to grammar school! Mainly on freaking semicolons.Those dang things never made sense to me.

This post is pretty old but I'll start here by explaining what a semicolon does. Semicolons have two purposes: the first is to differentiate items that appear in a list; and the second is a little more vague. You see what I did there? If you start off a list with a colon, you can use semicolons to split up the items of that list, so you don't have to worry about commas potentially confusing the reader as to where one part of the list ends and the next one begins.

The second use of the semicolon is actually unnecessary and purely up to personal style on a case-by-case basis; basically, it replaces a period between two sentences that are closely related to each other. See what I did again? Although rather intimidating at first, a semicolon when used correctly can be a very effective way to add flow and cohesion to a series of sentences that might sound kinda slipshod without it. If you're unsure whether or not you might be using a semicolon correctly in this way, it's probably best to just use a period instead, because that's what the semicolon should be replacing, and like I said, it doesn't even technically have to do that.

I hope these examples were helpful. I dunno if I'm gonna be sharing some of my writing any time soon, but... I can't finish that thought because I don't know. That's all for now. [slash]follow me on twitter 4 mor info[/slash]
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Re: Character Sketches

Post by Greece on 20th July 2015, 8:01 pm

Not Worthy Not Worthy Not Worthy
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