Best game ever - Final Fantasy IX

Because it's a name that's not Lief.



These three bozos rush into the room.


: Sorry. So, where's the boss?
: Ain't here yet.

That portrait is really creepy.


Eh? Who's tha -


OH MY GOD IT'S A WEIRD DRAGON


is that a nickel






And so the battle begi - hey, do we have four party members? Cool.


The battle is your standard Active Time Battle affair - there's a gauge that fills up over time, when it's full you can act.


All four of our party members are thieves, so they can all steal. Locke, however, also has access to the Skill command, which is a few different abilities that usually are linked to the Thief job class (or are what you'd expect from a thief).


The formula for stealing starts out as (User Level + Spirit) compared to the Target's level. If it's greater, then Steal will hit. Then you roll for the steal slot it's located in. The rarest has a 1/128 chance of popping up (which is still better then rolling for the Sword of Kings in Earthbound), the second-rarest a 1/16 chance, second-most common a 1/4 chance, and the most common always hits unless it's already been stolen.

There's two abilities that augment the Steal ability. Bandit makes it always hit (which is a godsend if you're doing something silly like a low-level run), and Master Thief bumps up the two rarest slots to roll 1/8 of the time, and also eliminates empty slots from the roll list.


The Mage Masher is useful. It teaches Locke Detect, which is a Fighting-type move that prevents attacks from hitting you for that turn is an enemy scan that tells you what the enemies have. With the Add Status ability (the ability to add statuses on weapons is an ability, yes), it has a 20% chance to add Silence, which is decidedly less useful.

Also, weird fact: despite it being the second-worst dagger in the game (the only worse one is the one Locke starts with), it's the weapon used on his model in Dissadia.


On a less wordy note, Wrists give +3 evade and +5 magic evade, and teaches Flee-Gil to Locke, which makes us still get money when we run away (but not when we use Flee, which makes us lose the money that we would've earned), which is also a godsend (or at least helpful) if you're doing something silly like a no-level run.


Have some gifs. This one is of Locke attacking, obviously.

Dunno why the enemy list is on, but it is. I mean, unless you want to see Blank shaking his ass, you're not missing anything.


This is the Masked Man's fail attack, ala some enemies in Earthbound (I think?).

This is probably the most notable regular attack animation of the lot, as Cinna is using his...Hammer...to fly through the air and attack. That's pitiful damage, though. 


And Blank just slashes at the man. I didn't get Marcus or the Masked Man's regular attack because.


This happens almost immediately afterwards.


I can't help but note a great callback oppurtunity was missed here.


This, though...ow.


You came in wearing a dragon head and roaring. Your guys have sharp objects used in the art of killing things and a hammer that is laughably bad at it (no, really; the Hammer is one of the weakest weapons in the game...along with the Broadswords and Daggers the other guys are using, so eh). Do you expect them to not try and kill you?


This shows up because one of the guys (Cinna) was at HP Critical. I don't know why, but it does.


I think VIII was the only PlayStation Final Fantasy game that never channeled Mr. T. You'd probably find something there, if you looked hard enough.



Baku kicks open the door with style, and everyone walks in.


Cinna, I have no idea what you're trying to do, but you're not sexy, so stop it.



: Why?
: Because reasons.

: ...





: Our ship's about to dock at Alexandria...
And when it does, we're gonna put on our costumes...
...and perform 'I Want to Be Your Canary,' the most popular play in Alexandria!
Break a leg, Marcus! ‘Cause you're playin' the lead!


So, in order to kidnap the princess, you're putting on a play. I think this would be more effective if you were stealing an inanimate object, as the nobles of Alexandria would probably all be seeing the play.

This includes the princess.


Good thing you're trusting the kidnapping to Locke. He's the only one that can learn Bandit and Master Thi - wait, we don't have those abilities yet. Never mind.


: I can't stand oglops...
But I'll manage, so don't worry about me.
And that'll be your cue, Locke!

Oglops are basically the generic insects that everyone dislikes in FFIX. This also makes the plan more...likely to succeed, shall we say: in the ensuing panic, everyone will be so caught up in it that they won't notice Garnet's absence.


Yea - no wait


Yes. This is probably to make sure you weren't just hammering your 'confirm' button of choice (usually either X or O).

This was screenshot 42. Coincidence?

Babe-ilicious.

...eh.


And now,

as TV Tropes would say,

for someone completely different!



He's our next player character. If you can't figure out what he does and you so much as glanced at my FFI LP, I will be very disappointed in you.

Interestingly, unlike others, the inky blackness actually seems to be his being, rather then just something due to his rather large hat. It's pretty cool and kind of chilling, really.


In other completely unrelated news, I'm actually against remaking Final Fantasy IX.


I mean, voice acting would completely ruin it, for one.


...whoa, how did they get that? I mean, c'mon, they couldn't have stolen it, otherwise everyone would know they'd be coming. They're not sky pirates.


This is Alexandria reflected in a giant sword. Pretty cool, huh?


Someone was trying to compensate for something, though.


I think this is supposed to mimic Final Fantasy I's title showing up at the end of the sequence. Maybe not, though.


I salute you, Sakaguchi! 


Oof. Damn kids, being all racist.

...which is weird, considering that there are furries (like, actual furries) in the FFIX universe. Like, hippo people and bird people and stuff. No idea about foxes, though.


There are one of these for every (or near-every) location in the game. Each one of these has its own font.


Aw, not racist kid! :3

As a side-note, look at Vivi's ticket. It's actually textured, rather then just a piece of paper. It's not a huge thing, but they still did it for an item that was going to be used all of twice and not really that noticeable.


Bye-bye!


And so now, we

go to the previous area. Yep.


Mainly for this. Final Fantasy IX's card game is Cthulian madness, yet why do I love it so much.

Sadly, we can't get cool swag for playing it, like in Final Fantasy VIII. Alas.


Back on the story, this little asshat bumps into us. He seriously chases after the player character, trying to bump into him.

He then just runs off. Asshat.


See? Furries.

I suppose I'm not burning this game because they're not presenting them human-like. It's still cartoony.


I mean, I don't dislike Sonic the Hedgehog, and he has some human-ish traits. These guys are basically Perry the Platypus with some extra clothes on.

Also this guy's horn makes the weirdest noise.


There's an item shop here.

Oh, yeah.


This guy's stats! The Mage Staff and the Leather Hat are good for teaching Fire to him. Both of them teaching Fire means that Fire gains more AP at the end of the battle. I'll explain it more later, when we can gain AP, but just keep it in the back of your mind for now.

The Leather Shirt, on the other hand, teaches him nothing. It does have an ability on it, though (all equipment does): Protect Girls, exclusive to Locke. When a female party member gets low on health (50% or less), he'll step in and take damage for them. It's worse then Cover, but it has a lower health threshold to trigger it (Cover is triggered at 80% or less health) and both of your healers are girls, so if you want someone risking their ass specifically for the healers, then this is the ability for you.

It also shows how Locke is a chivalrous pervert.


I'm so happy...


Anyway, in other shop, we find that Final Fantasy IX has lovingly poured a model and a dialouge thing for a random NPC that most players won't see. And even gives some characterization, to boot! Not a lot of it, but it's there! On a minor NPC that most players will not see.


See, this is why Final Fantasy IX is awesome.


If a furry-lover got transported into the Final Fantasy IX world, they would have an orgasim. I spelled that right.

Now, I'd pore over these dialogue options, but the script I'm using doesn't have them for whatever reason. Alas.
Ticketmaster: What's this? There's something odd about this ticket...
Why, it's another fake! I've seen so many today.


Dun dun dun.
Shopkeeper: Now, now. Don't cry. I know how you must feel.
Here, I'll give you these. Do try to cheer up now, hmm?

Now we got three useless cards for a useless card game. 

Anyway, we're supposed to talk to some Alleyway Jack guy, but screw him.


Hey! You made me miss, you little klutz!
*the signmaker fixes the sign*
Whew. That should do it.
Well, it's been a long day.
Asshole.


One asshole leaves, another enters.


: ...how do you know?
: I saw the guy tell you it was fake!
: Y-yeah, it's fake.
: I'll let you see the show if you become my slave!

You have to say yes to becoming the Rat Kid's slave. This tripped up my dad when he was playing this game for the first time.


: You go stand over there and see if anyone's comin'!

Easy. Just wait for a bit, and...


There. Easy.


...what?


He takes off with the ladder.

Alleyway Jack also shows up, but screw him.


We follow the jackass to the steeple.


Um...yay? How are you going to do that with the la -

This is a way with dealing with it, but I sense it's just because you're a jackass.

So anyway, climb up the ladder, and...


It's a moogle, you idiot!


Aw, you're too cute for me to stay mad at :3


...
...why would anybody name their child after the noise a moogle makes?


I mean, it's okay if the name is derived from 'kupo', but if it's just 'kupo'? That's lazy.

Yeah, naming your son after a video game character is just as lazy, but you can at least justify it with being a name, even if it is a wholly fictious one.


: Try to get along, okay?

I have a name, y'k - wait, I never told you it. ._.;


yesssss
This allows us to save at these moogles. Which doesn't make sense when we get back to Locke, but whatevs.



I'm personally impressed he did that.

Some moogle named Stiltzkin came in and said he was leaving. I skipped over the dialogue because it surely isn't going to be important, right?


Besides, Rathole over here is being an ass.


Oh, and a sidequest opens up. It's Mognet, which really is just you being a mailman.

And so we follow Rathole...next time. Now, we just need a name for our Black Mage. What'll it be?
(He's a guy, by the by.)